The cashier asked ‘Sir, do you want a bag?’
He replied 'No thanks, she’s not that ugly’
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A 5 year-old girl goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her grandfather. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa’s room.
“Grandpa, Grandpa!!” she says excitedly, “as soon as my mother comes into the room, talk like a frog!”
“Well okay dear, but why?” replied her Grandpa.
“Talk like a frog because mommy said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World!”
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And he’s only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.
The doctor says, “Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and directly smell and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.”
The man takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and, eyes wide open, breathes in the fumes for ten minutes through both his nose and mouth.
Then he comes back to the doctor and says, “It worked! I feel terrific. What was it?”
The doctor replies, “You were homesick.”
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. “Who stole my horse?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don’t want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home!”
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After 30 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish.”
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