Piece of mind
“I’ll have H2O,” says the first.
“I’ll have H2O, too,” says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
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The vet picks up the dog and looks at him. After a moment he turns to the man. “Sir,” he says, “your dog is healthy but I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.”
“Why?” the man demanded.
The vet replied, “Because he’s heavy.”
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A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman’s door.
The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the Irishman.
“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the Foreman. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”
The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman’s door.
“I cut the tree down,” said the Irishman.
“Holy smokes!” Said the Formean. “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”
“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the Irishman.
Confused, the Forman asked “…don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”
“Is that what they call it now?”
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The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.
She now have 45 lives.
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…What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
- The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
- The bouncer is a blonde girl
- I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
- The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.“
To which his wife responds: "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!
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The only man who can get the job done.
I live in Reykjavík, Iceland. This miserably self-aware clothing advert says it all.
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He’d only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated: “You have some explaining to do.”
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said: “I’ll explain this when you explain the kids”.
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A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband ’s temper. The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.” The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?” The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick”.
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…on a plane. Let’s call them Steve and Bill.
“Dude, what if we had sex?” asks Steve.
“You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…”
“Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!”
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
“Could I have a pencil, please?”
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
“They really wouldn’t care then, would they?” says Bill.
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
“Sir, you should’ve asked for a bag!”
“I didn’t dare” whispers the old man. “A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…”
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Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done my child?”
Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”
Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”
Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he touched my breast.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!”
Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “But father he had AIDS!”
Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”
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It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what’s wrong and offers him some sympathy.
The man responds “My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room.”
“Harsh,” the bartender replies, “But that’s hardly a reason to quit drinking.”
“No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE.”
“I’d hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he’s got a point. That’s an awful lot of vomit to have to mop up…”
“No, no, you don’t understand,” The man sobbed, “Chunks is my Dog.”
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and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground .
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, thinks I’ve got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence…"
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A boyfriend is having his first dinner at his girlfriends house with her parents. Things are going great when the women leave the table to give the men some time to talk. Suddenly, the boyfriend feels bloated and is trying to not fart in the dead silence. The family dog, Duke, is sitting under his chair and he gets an idea. He slowly lets one go when the father yells “Duke!”. The plan worked and he lets a louder one go. “Duke!” the father says again. The boyfriend finally decides to go for broke and lets out as much as he can. “DUKE! Get out from under that chair before that boy shits on you!”
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Are free thing just no dog
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?” Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”
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The Great News recovered on the last word
And says, “I’m looking for a job.”
The store owner replies, “You’re in luck! We have an open position that pays $100,000 per a month!”
The black guy says, “You’re joking.”
The store owner says, “Well, you started it.”
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They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.
The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he’s bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain.
The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he’s also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy.
While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says “Well it’s your turn now. What do you request?”
The British man responds “First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don’t believe I should get off easy.”
The Judge yells “You’re crazy! why would you do that?”
The Brit responds “Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back.”
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$200 Fine..
Washington DC
Never too soon
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
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Suddenly, the car swerves off the road, bumps across a couple of rocks, works its way across a muddy field, crashes through a barn and runs over a couple of traffic signs at a crossing before ending up back on the road. “What the hell was that about?!” the millionaire shouts at his driver.
“Sir, there was a small kid on the road”
“Fuck small kids! Next time, run them over!”
“Well I tried, but he ran for it!”
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How you know when you wake up it’s going to be a crappy day.
Savage
The proportions were a bit off but the shading and linework were quite remarkable.
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I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”
Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.
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A panda walks into a bar.
He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.
The bartender motions to a young woman.
She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place.
After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house.
“You owe me money,” she says.
“For what?”
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.”
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.”
The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda. Look it up.”
She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary, and it reads, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”
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He is driving at a brisk but legal pace when he was suddenly pulled over by a two state troopers.
The first trooper says, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
The farmer looked at him, puzzled, and replied, “Yes, as a matter of fact, I was going five miles below the speed limit!”
The first trooper angrily looks over at the second and says, “You told me he was speeding!”
Flustered, the second officer replies, “No no no, I said he was hauling ass!”
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My ass
For speedy delivery
he goes out with his friends to give them the bad news. he tells them he has an announcement to make
-“ i wanted to thank you guys for being there for me, i want to inform you that i have AIDS and i will die in a week. ”
everyone was devastated cried and left with their heart a little broken.
when the man arrived home, he told his wife everything. after finishing she screamed:
-“AIDS! why did you tell them you have AIDS? you have cancer, not aids!”
the man turns to his wife and says.
-“im going to die, but im going to make sure no one goes to bed with you too”.
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Joe, a train conductor, was driving his train when he fell asleep at the controls. The train suffered a terrible crash and only those in the front of the train survived. Joe was put on trial for the negligent homicide of nearly a hundred people. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
When asked what he’d like for his last meal, he replied simply with “A banana, if you will.” The prison guard shrugged, got a banana, and gave it to the poor man. Joe ate the banana in regular fashion and braced himself for death. He was seated on the chair, fastened in, and was ready for what was about to happen.
However, after the electricity was activated, nothing happened. The guard was astonished. Not knowing what to do, he simply let Joe go.
A few days later, Joe was back to work conducting trains. Shortly after his return, he managed to derail yet another train, again killing nearly a hundred people but surviving the crash. As before, he was charged and found guilty of multiple negligent homicides. Again, he was sentenced to death by electric chair.
It was the same prison guard as before. He was surprised to see Joe again but held his tongue, for the man was about to die and it would be rude to question him. “What would you like for your last meal, sir?” Joe respond as he did last time: “A banana, if you will.” The prison guard shrugged, got a banana, and gave it to the poor man. Joe ate the banana in regular fashion and again braced himself for death. He was seated on the chair, fastened in, and was ready for what was about to happen.
The electricity was activated and Joe was prepared. But, as before, he was unhurt. The prison guard checked for any malfunctions but found nothing, not believing the entire situation was possible. Now even more incredulous than before, and not knowing what to do, the guard let him go.
Joe was, against all odds, alive and was incredibly still allowed to continue his job as a train conductor even though he was responsible for the deaths of almost two hundred people.
He was thankful to be allowed to continue his job but also scared. He would try to drive more carefully from now on. However, this effort didn’t help much, as the very next train he was conducting, he managed to somehow crash. He was the only survivor of the train, which again contained over a hundred people. He was again charged, and again found responsible for the deaths of over a hundred people. He was sentenced to death by electric chair.
The prison guard was the same, the meal was the same, the procedure was the same. After giving Joe the banana, the guard was silent. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything, all he could do was prepare the chair.
Joe sat in the chair, expecting death. The guard activated it and, again, Joe was unscathed. The prison guard couldn’t contain himself. He simply had to ask, “Sir, how did you manage to crash a train 3 times? And how did you survive the chair 3 times? Did the banana have something to do with it?”
Joe paused for a moment. Then he replied: “No, I suppose I’m just a terrible conductor.”
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I smile everytime I drive by this Fuking Restaurant.
Spy detector. ‘nuff said
Dildo Run
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that? I asked. 'It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven’t.’ We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight’s your lucky night’. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom…you still awake?’
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We’ve hit 6 million subscribers, and so we’d like to roll out our new CSS! It was made by yours truly, and I’d like to thank /u/soul_shot and /u/tizorres for all their assistance
There have been a couple things added in the design:
-
A complete face lift: /r/jokes has a more modern look and feel.
-
Making it look like a comedy club. The bricks and glowing neon sign are examples of that.
-
Cleaner submit and comment pages as well as submission and comment views
Please note: if you find any bugs please let us know which OS and browser you are using, a screenshot would be preferred so we know exactly what you are referring to.
Right now, the below is on stuff I will be fixing and/or adding in a future update.
-
More robust RES Support, including a nightmode
-
Fixing that shifting logo
-
More consistent color scheme/fonts
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McHappy McQueenie
Man: How do I get to the other side?
Blonde: You are on the other side.
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The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking “Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?”
I replied “No, only guns.”
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…looking for a job as a detective. They meet with the police chief who says “I’m going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him.”
He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says “He’s only got one eye”. The police chief responds, “No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye.”
He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says “He’s only got one ear”. The police chief again responds, “No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear.”
He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says “He wears contact lenses.” Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says “That’s oddly correct. How did you know that?”
The blonde responds, “Well with one eye and one ear, he can’t be wearing glasses.”
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(Change the names in this if you want to)
Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual spiel that everyone gets when they’re about to enter, and as they are walking in he says “ By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don’t step on a duck.” The three friends think this is an odd rule, but they agree to it and step in.
The second they enter they realize that the final rule might be harder to follow than they thought. Heaven is TEEMING with ducks! Try as they might, they quickly realize that avoiding the birds is going to be a difficult task. And then it happens, “QUACK!” Friends Two and Three look over in shock as Friend One steps on a duck. Quickly, an angel rushes over with one of the most unattractive people the three of them have ever seen. “Because you stepped on a duck, you are condemned to spend the rest of your time in the Kingdom shackled to this person. Have a good eternity.” The angel shackles the two together and flies off.
After seeing what happened to Friend One, the other two are more wary of the consequences and begin treading extremely lightly. The two of them make it another three days before, on the dawn of the fourth day, a loud “QUACK” is heard. Friend Two looks to Friend Three, wide-eyed, fearing the worst. The angel rushes over, ties Friend Two to a hideous being, and flies away.
The third friend, now petrified that this will be his fate, becomes incredibly paranoid, barely walking anywhere. He lasts one week, two weeks, but on the beginning of the third week, an angel brings one of the most stunningly beautiful people the friend has ever seen, shackles the two of them together, and flies off. Bewildered and excited, Friend Three proclaims, “Wow! What did I do to deserve this?” And the person the friend is shackled to turns and replies “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck!”
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Queenie McBirthdayface
The owner of the lot this sign is on currently has beef with the owner of this McDonald’s franchise. Priceless
Happie McBirthday
Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “ Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!” The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs…..
“Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!”
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An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.
He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.
The old farmer explained, “Well, as I see it, most politicians are ‘Post Turtles’.”
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a 'post turtle’ was. The old farmer explained as best he could, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle on top, that’s a 'post turtle.’
The doctor remained puzzled. The farmer continued further.
"You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him there to begin with.”
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Sign in a women’s restroom on my college campus.
Norwegian tacojoint keeping up with current events
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where, if not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife…..
“Don’t touch!” she said, “They’re for the funeral.”
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The plaintiff’s lawyer calls his client to the stand.
Lawyer: “Would you please tell the jury what your attacker said to you, just before he raped you?”
Woman: “Oh, I couldn’t. It was filthy.”
Lawyer: “How about if you just write down, so you don’t have to say it out loud, and we’ll show it to the jury?”
The woman complies and writes down on a piece of paper what her attacker had said: “I’m going to fuck you like you’ve never been fucked before.”
The bailiff hands the note to the foreman, and the note is passed from person to person among the jury. Juror #6, a woman in her mid twenties, starts to hand the note to the Juror #7, who has fallen asleep. She elbows him awake and give him the note. He reads the note and then sticks it in his shirt pocket.
The judge says, “Juror #7, would you please share that note with the rest of the jury?”
The man responds, “It’s personal, your honor.”
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A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, “Do you sell condoms here?”
“Sure. What size are you?”
“I don’t know,” he replies.
“Well, just let me check,” the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, “Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter.”
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, “Do you sell condoms here?”
The cashier replies, “Sure. What size do you need?”
“Well, I don’t know.”
“Allow me to check for you,” she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, “Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter.”
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Some time later, a eighteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, “Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?”
“Yep,” she says. “What size do you need?”
“I don’t know,” he says nervously.
“Allow me to check for you,” she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, “Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter.”
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The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like to see him. The manager, who sits in a giant glass office on the bank floor, welcomes the man and then asks him how he gets $1,000 to put in every day. The man tells him “well, I make a lot of bets and that’s where all the money is from.” The manager doesn’t believe how he can make all that money just by betting, so the man says “okay then, I bet you $1,000 I can bite my eye.”
“bullshit! That’s impossible.” Says the manager, and places $1,000 on the table.
The man takes out his glass eye, bites it, and takes the money. “Okay, that’s not fair to you. You didn’t know I had a glass eye. I bet you double that I can bite my ear!” The manager thinks that it’s impossible and is desperate to make his money back. “Deal.”
The man then takes out his dentures and bites his ear. The manager is embarrassed and upset he’s lost all that money on a stupid bet. The man notices this and says “Okay, you seem upset. I’ll make it up to you fair and square. Tomorrow I’ll come back and I bet you $5,000 I can guess what color underwear you’re wearing.”
The manager thinks this over and sees that there’s no way the man will be able to guess and agrees. He later goes shopping for the craziest, most colorful pair of underwear he can find. The next day, the man is back in the manager’s office. The manager goes “Alright then, try and guess what color I’m wearing. I’m more than certain that you’ll never be able to.”
“White.” The man says.
The manager jumps up, takes the money, and yelps “AHA! WRONG!” and pulls down his pants to reveal rainbow colored underwear.
The man jumps up and yelps “AHA! I WIN!”
The manager is confused and says “what are you talking about? You guessed wrong and lost the bet.”
“Yeah, I lost that bet. But I also bet all your employees out there watching that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
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and she’s nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot
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An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’
Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’
Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?
‘Nope’ she replies.
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Bert yells.
To which Margaret replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”
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666 souls per gallon
Who needs a car wash?
I replied, “ no your generation relies too much on technology” then I unplugged his life support. Stupid asshole
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Please don’t flush your ex….
A vet clinic where I live
A dog goes into a telegraph office, takes a blank form, and writes: “Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof, Woof.”
The clerk examines the paper and politely tells the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The dog looks confused and replies, “But that would make no sense at all.“
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I hope that’s fitting in the Subreddit. If not, leave a downvote please.
-Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.
-I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings - its a complex complex complex.
-I have an L shaped couch… Lower case.
-I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
-A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
-I, for one, like Roman numerals.
-You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
-I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it was just collecting dust.
-I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was, and then it dawned on me.
-Am I the only one who realizes that blackboards are truly remarkable?
-I told a woman that she painted her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
-so what if I can’t spell Armageddon, it’s not the end of the world.
-Inspecting mirrors is a job I could easily see myself doing.
-You know, the shovel really was a ground-breaking invention.
-A dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
-The guy who invented autocorrect has died… restaurant in Piece
-light a fire for a man and he’ll be warm for a night, light the man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
-Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they take everything literally.
-Dwarves and midgets have very little in common.
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This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:
Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
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I don’t know, but it’s not five, because my basement is still dark.
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Beethoven: You guys want some symphonies tonight!?
Crowd: cheers loudly
Beethoven: I can’t hear you!
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That file path …
and runs into a fisherman that attends his church. Upon hearing that the priest has a few hours off the fisherman invites him out to sea to fish with him.
Out at sea it doesn’t take long for the fisherman to realize that the priest has no idea how to fish, so he gives him some quick instruction and shows him how to cast his bait out into the water. Within moments the priest manages to reel in the largest fish that the fisherman has ever seen. In the moment of excitement the fisherman exclaims, “Look at the size of that Son-of-a-bitch!”
Immediately the priest becomes disturbed and says, “My son, please don’t use such language.”
The fisherman, embarrassed and hoping word of this gaffe will not reach the rest of his family, makes up an explanation in a moment of ingenuity, “Oh no father, that’s the name of that type of fish, a son-of-a-bitch.” He lies, taking advantage of the priests fishing naivete.
The priest is pacified, and begs forgiveness for jumping to conclusions. The fisherman, relieved, brings the priest back to the docks and drops him off.
The priest lumbers back to the church, with the giant fish in his arms. Upon entering the church he sees the bishop and approaches him, “Bishop, look at the size of this son-of-a-bitch I caught!”
The bishop stands wide-eyed a moment, “Priest, how could a man as holy as you use such language in the house of God?”
The priest calmly explains that it is the name of the fish, and the bishop feeling embarrassed for jumping to conclusions offers to take and clean the fish for the priest.
After cleaning the fish the bishop takes it to the maid in the kitchen and tells her, “Maid, I want you to cook this son-of-a-bitch for me.”
The maid blushes and responds, “Bishop, it may not be my place to say so, but is such language fitting for a man of your stature?”
The bishop laughs haughtily, explains that it’s the name of the fish and that he too had made the same mistake only minutes earlier. The maid laughs too, apologizes and cooks the fish.
It just so happens that the Pope decided to stop in for dinner at their church that evening. They are all sitting at the table when the pope says, “Oh, my children, I know that gluttony is a sin but I simply can’t stop myself from eating this fish. I must know, where did you get it?”
“I caught the son-of-a-bitch.” Said the priest.
“I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch.” Said the bishop.
“And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch.” Said the maid.
For a moment the pope sat silently, staring at them all wide-eyed. He then slowly removed his hat, kicked off his sandles, put his hands behind his head, kicked his feet up on the table and said, “You know what? You mother fuckers are alright!”
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
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He got out of his car and said “I’m not happy.” I replied, “Well, which one are you then?”
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After finishing the race Obama says “Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?”
Biden replies “No, Bush did 9:11.”
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Waited in all day for someone to come and fix my broken doorbell, but they never turned up.
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his funeral is on Wednesday. I’ve made him a wreath in the shape of a buoyancy aid. It’s what he would have wanted.
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“Jump in, I’ll give you a lift home” I said. “Fuck off” he shouted back. “What an ungrateful little cunt” I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
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He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”
“The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’
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They put his batteries in backwards and he keeps coming and coming and coming.
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My local dentist doesn’t have enough patients…
This dog showed up to PetSmart and asked to speak to the manager…
Smoothest mode of transportation
Guy at a modern art gallery
One of my favorite Simpsons jokes
On April Fools, someone in my town decided to send a local megachurch a humorous message
Fixed the kid whose mom sent him to school in pajamas on picture day
I hear there’s an eclipse tonight…
Watching House Hunters when this conversation occurred. I think his face says it all…
My friend is starting to realise he looks a bit like mr bean
Sums up my experience with New Orleans.
may the battle commence
So my parents sent me a selfie…
Happy Cakes
I shouldn’t find this funny… but I do…
Maybe my favourite ‘Simpsons’ monent
Walked by when i saw this…
Stage 1 Clinger.
Extreme lack of excitement from a Scottish newspaper regarding a visit to the isle of Skye from Kanye west.
good guy amazon
A man is driving down the road with his wife in the passenger seat when he gets pulled over by the cops. The police officer comes up to the car and says “Sir. You were going 65 in a 55, I’m going to have to give you a ticket for that.” To which the wife replies “He was going at least 70!” The man says nothing, he just shakes his head at his wife.
Next, the cop says “Also, you’re not wearing a seatbelt and I’m afraid I’ll have to give you ticket for that.” To which the man replies “Sir. I saw you coming up to the car and I took my seatbelt off so that I could get to my wallet.” The wife says “Harry. Don’t be silly, you never wear your seatbelt.” The man says nothing, he just shakes his head at his wife.
Next, the cop says “Sir… Your tail light is also out. I’ll have to ticket you for that.” The man replies “Sir please, I just did a full inspection on my car this morning and everything was fine. The light must have just gone out.” The wife then says “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that light for three weeks now.”
At this point, the man loses his temper and begins to yell at his wife, calling her a number of names and insults. This goes on for some time and when it finally stops, the police officer looks at the wife and says “Ma'am. Does he always talk to you like this?” to which she replies “No. Just when he’s drunk.”
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “you’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?”
The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am”, and poof he disappears.
This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “I think, therefore I am.”
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
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Water? I’ll pass.
Not sure if I want to use this bathroom.
At a hotel parking lot on Martha’s Vineyard
He’s in bed one night and thinks to himself,
“This is bullshit! It’s 2016, we’re the only ones with an outhouse!
Once it rains and the river floods some, I’m pushing it in.”
The boy wakes up for school the next morning and see that it rained a bit, enough for the river to rise enough for him to push the outhouse into it.
After a day at school, he steps off the bus and his dad is sitting on the porch.
“Son, someone pushed the outhouse into the river.”
The boy knows he’s caught,
“…George Washington told the truth about cutting down the cherry tree, and he didn’t get in trouble!”
His dad looks at him,
“Well, was George Washington’s dad in the fucking cherry tree?!”
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Q: What food diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%? A: Her wedding cake.
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The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves she a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves she a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer.
Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says:
– What, have you never seen a naked woman before?
– That I have, miss. I’m wondering where you’re keeping the money to pay for the beers.
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3 ladies are celebrating in a bar. The bartender asks the ladies “what are you celebrating about?” The ladies reply “we finished a puzzle in only 6 months even though on the box it said 4-6 years.”
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So me and my buddies asked a village elder if we could buy a kid as a joke. We didn’t think he’d actually sell. $200. So we bring him back to our patrol base then realize…we can’t keep this fucking kid. What will we do with him? So we decided we had to get rid of him. Cut his throat, drained all his blood, then butchered him like he was a deer. Threw him on the grill and ate him. Goat meat isn’t bad. Kinda chewy.
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What a deal!!