The cashier asked ‘Sir, do you want a bag?’
He replied 'No thanks, she’s not that ugly’
via reddit http://ift.tt/2a9sVOz
A 5 year-old girl goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her grandfather. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa’s room.
“Grandpa, Grandpa!!” she says excitedly, “as soon as my mother comes into the room, talk like a frog!”
“Well okay dear, but why?” replied her Grandpa.
“Talk like a frog because mommy said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World!”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2abZ3RS
And he’s only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.
The doctor says, “Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and directly smell and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.”
The man takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and, eyes wide open, breathes in the fumes for ten minutes through both his nose and mouth.
Then he comes back to the doctor and says, “It worked! I feel terrific. What was it?”
The doctor replies, “You were homesick.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2anNgC8
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. “Who stole my horse?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don’t want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home!”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2a0ofrX
After 30 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2a44yAo
A lizard notices a monkey sitting in a tree smoking a joint. He calls up, “Hey, monkey! What are you doing?”
“I’m smoking the best weed in the world,” replies the monkey.
“I doubt it,” says the lizard. The monkey invites him to the top of the tree to try it. The lizard takes a few puffs and concedes that it really is amazing weed! After a few more puffs he gets very thirsty. He tells the monkey that he’ll be back after a quick drink and stumbles off to the river.
At the river he is so stoned and uncoordinated that he falls in. An alligator sees him and pushes him back onto shore with his nose. He then asks, “What is wrong with you?”
The lizard tells him, “Oh, the monkey up in that tall tree has the best weed in the world.”
The gator goes to the tall tree to see for himself. “Hey, monkey!” he calls. The monkey opens his eyes wide and says, “How much water did you drink, man?”
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sees an old man fishing in a puddle off the sidewalk.
“Poor Old fool,” he thought. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/29U6ZbO
There were two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog, followed by hundreds of men.
I take a break from work and say to the man walking the dog “ excuse me sir, I don’t mean to be rude but do you mind telling me what happened?”
The man replies: “A couple of weeks ago I bought this dog for my wife. Last week it turned on her and killed her. During the attack my mother in law tried to pull the dog off of her daughter and ended up dying as well”
I say : “ sir can I borrow you dog?”
He replies : “Get in line ”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2a6IcfQ
The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :
“Holy shit, you’re so drunk, you can’t even walk!”
The drunk says “No shit, that’s why I took my car!”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2a3stAf
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. “Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
via reddit http://ift.tt/2aEHFDE
“We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned.” “Oh my poor Patrick” she moaned “At least he died a sudden death and didn’t suffer.” “Well I don’t know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2alQ4yg
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the interviews were over there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.“I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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“Sorry, it’s going to take me a minute to get hard, I was laid last night.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2a9MFC3
Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.
The cop says “You were doing 55 in a 35.” Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts “Great! Now I’m lost!”
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”
“We do now, asshole!” Shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
via reddit http://ift.tt/2a9NISe
…“Well I’m your man” I replied,“In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible”
via reddit http://ift.tt/29TctDl
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.
“Tarzan not know sex.” he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, “Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, Jane said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
“Here.” she said, pointing to her privates, “You must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?!”
Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrel.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2aDOmGa
Its for a bride..
A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a BLT sandwich. The Koala eats the BLT sandwich, gets up, spins around, pulls a pistol out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, and proceeds to walk out of the bar. The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, “Hey, who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think you’re going!?” The Koala replies, “Hey, I’m a Koala. Look it up.” The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala: The dictionary said “n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2a5X6pD
I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault.
Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer.
via reddit http://ift.tt/2am8KMt
RIP Shitfaced Wednesdays
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed in the least………. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said 'oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
via reddit http://ift.tt/2akveAX
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”
The two guys reply, “Well, you know, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.”
The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, “It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel that?”
Again, the guys reply, “Well, like we told you yesterday, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy to warm up a little bit, you know.”
The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.”
The two Michiganders reply, “Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we’ve just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.”
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. “I don’t understand. When I turn the heat up, you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold, and you’re happy. What is wrong with you two?”
The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. “Well, don’t ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2amoShc
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. “I want to be gorgeous,” and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.” Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: “ Make ‘em all ugly again.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2alyUyZ
Picks out a young pretty woman, they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed. The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she’ll give him one for free. He says “Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute nap, and while I’m asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker.”. She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before. The girl is amazed at the old man’s stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he’ll need a 20 minute nap and she’ll have to hold his cock while he’s asleep; she does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.
The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man “I can understand why you need the nap, but why do I have to hold your dick while you’re sleeping?” The old man replies “Oh, that’s just so you don’t steal my wallet.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2aD9pbD
Fairy Garden
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $10000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $10000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
“I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2alypFi
Me irl
China is STRICT
So there’s this redditor that says part of the joke in the title,
then repeats it for no goddamn reason.
via reddit http://ift.tt/29VeoUz
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
via reddit http://ift.tt/2aCGVPe
…and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2a0lVCc
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, “Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?”
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, “Land mines.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2a2DnUA
On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.
Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch out! Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, “Come on in”. When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, Are you the people that broke the window?
Uh yeah, we’re very sorry about that, the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie, “You’ve got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It’s the least I can do.”
“And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name” the genie said.
“And now,” the couple both asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.”
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both thirty-five,” she responded breathlessly.
“No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies…”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2agV3QC
You Can’t Be Too Careful!
Okay if you insist.
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks the cop.
“I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.”
“Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Lets see you do it.”
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!
via reddit http://ift.tt/2a2W0bM
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you, honey”, she says.
“What would you like me to bring back for you?”
He laughs and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asks.
“The one I asked for- an Italian girl!”
“Oh, that,” she says. “Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2afd6q8
…wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.
Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says:
“if i can guess how many sheep you have in your pack, can I have one?”
“fair deal” the shepherd says and the blonde guesses “457”. The shepherd, really surprised about the ability of the girl, says “a deal is a deal, you guessed the right number, pick a sheep and you can keep it”.
After the girl has picked her favourite of the pack, the shepherd says:
“if i can guess, which colour your hair had before you dyed it brown, can i get my dog back?”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2a58umQ
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden, Luis says…
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell!? Ees bacon, I theenk.”
“Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon.”
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon!
Every imaginable kind of cured pork!
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 feet, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath…
“Pepe… Go back man! You was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis mi amigo… what ees it?!”
“Pepe..ees not a bacon tree. Ees…”
Ees…
Ees…
Ees…
Ees…
Ees…a ham bush…!!“
via reddit http://ift.tt/2aeO76v
…The man proclaims, “I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.”
Bartender: “Yeah! Sure…go ahead.”
Man: “What covers a house?”
Dog: “Roof!”
Man: “How does sandpaper feel?”
Dog: “Rough!”
Man: “Who was the greatest ball player of all time?”
Dog: “Ruth!”
Man: “Pay up. I told you he could talk.”
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, “or is the greatest player Mantle?”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2adcBfj
Crash site of the USS Enterprise - Bordon, UK
The husband thinks it’s raining
His wife says, “No honey, that’s snow”
So they ask Rudolph, their Soviet friend what he thinks.
He says, “That is rain, comrade.”
The husband says, “See! Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2a2Ve2a
He said “I have 87 chickens, can you help me round them up?”
I said “Sure… 90.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/29ZHzrz
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
via reddit http://ift.tt/29WwSop
Because he doesn’t want a total stranger making 90% of his decisions.
via reddit http://ift.tt/29YfBZP
…and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, “I’m hanging myself because I’m tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!”
Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, “I thought you were hanging yourself.”
She said, “Yes, I am!” The husband replied, “Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?”
She said, “I tried that, but I couldn’t breathe.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/29WznuZ
Two old men are playing a round of golf. One says, “in my old age, I find myself making more Freudian slips.” The other says “what’s a Freudian slip”?
The first man says, “is when you intend to say one thing, but actually say what you were really thinking. Like the other day, I had a new secretary, as I was leaving the office, I meant to say ‘see you next time’ but actually said 'knee you sex time’. It was really just embarrassing.”
The other man says, “oh, yeah, I have Freudian slips all the time, then. Just this morning my wife made eggs and bacon. I meant to ask her to pass the salt, but instead I said "you bitch, you’ve ruined my life.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2adzwKd
At my local Einstein Bagels, where do people find these?!
They were traveling from Texas to California when an Arizona highway patrolman pulled them over. “Afternoon sir, license and registration please.” “WHAT’D HE SAY?!”, screams the old lady. “HE NEEDS MY LICENSE!”, replies the old man. The patrolman chuckles and says, “I’ll be right back.” “WHAT’D HE SAY?!” “HE’LL BE RIGHT BACK!” After a moment, the patrolman returns- “I see you’re from Texas. I used to date this obnoxious nag out there till she went batshit crazy!” “WHAT’D HE SAY?!”, screams the old lady. “HE SAID HE KNOWS YA!!”, replies the grinning old man.
via reddit http://ift.tt/29XG7CC
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry."
"No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/2ajih9M
I say ofcourse he was Jewish
- 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
- Working in his father’s business
- His mother thought he was God’s gift
He’s Jewish. Give it up
by Robin Willams
Happy Birthday Robin!
via reddit http://ift.tt/29WczeZ
Wife’s Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary, same day:
A two-foot putt.. Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
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He said “Can you describe the symptoms?” So I replied “Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair”
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The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?” No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!” Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!” The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.” Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
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You can go in but you ain’t coming out again..
Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, “How you doing’, Joe?”
Joe says, “Do me a favor: Run upstairs and get my slippers.”
Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe’s gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, “your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you.”
One girl replies, “Get out of here. Prove it?”
Mike shouts down stairs -, “Hey, Joe, both of ‘em?”
Joe shouts back, “of course, both of 'em!” What’s the point of fuckin’ one?“
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He goes to the doctor and says, “Look, I just can’t bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it’s a real problem.”
The doctor says, “Well, is it too warm?”
“Yes, it’s absolutely sweltering”
“Then get some air-con”
“I can’t afford air-con, I’m too poor”
“Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?”
“Yeah, I’ve got a mate Mick”
“Well, ask your mate Mick to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help.”
So, Dave asks Mick for this favour, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Mick fanning them with the towel but it’s doing nothing for her.
Dave says, “Well this isn’t working, let’s swap.” So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Mick, who is now shagging Dave’s mrs. Not long after, Dave’s wife goes “Oooh… oh that’s it, I’m about to cum, I’m going to cum!”
Dave shouts, triumphantly, “You see, Mick?! That’s how you waft a fucking towel!”
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Probably just a sign warning of shepherds in row two, but the design is…uh…
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
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asked a son to his father.
“It means ‘happy,’” replied the father.
“Oh,” contested the son, “so are you gay, then?”
“No, son, I have a wife.”
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As opposed to the food wines.
and he’ll be warm for a day……teach a man to jacket he’ll never leave the house
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He is kinda’ sensitive about his missing ear, so he asks to the first candidate “do you notice anything different about me?”
The guy hesitates and says “yes, sir, you have only one ear”. He is dismissed on point.
The man asks the same question to the second candidate, which replies “yes, one of your ears is missing”. Dismissed as well.
The third candidate walks in and the man asks “do you notice anything different about me?”. The guy looks closely and says “Yes, of course. You wear contact lenses”.
Surprised, the man asks “whoa, how did you know that?”
The guy replies: “well, how could you wear glasses with only one ear?”
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Dad: “Hmm. You are my son. Of that, I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That’s confidential.”
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He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.
She looks at him and shakes her head saying “There you go again trying to put words in my mouth”.
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So Little Johnny’s teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says “teacher, I’ll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is.”
She replies, “okay, meet me after class and we’ll settle it.”
But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. “Blue.”
“Nope. You got it wrong,” she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn’t wearing any underwear.
“Well come with me out to my dads car, he’s waiting for me, and I’ll get you the money.” She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: “That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he’d see your pussy before the end of the day!”
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I asked him the other day “how do you tell them apart?”
He said
“Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure…
… And Brian’s got a cock”
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Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it’s some kind of scandal.
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I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: “Do you have a criminal record?”
I responded: “Oh. I didn’t realise that was still a requirement.”
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I walked into a dentist’s office. The dentist asked me what the problem was.
I said, “I’m a moth.”
The dentist said, “You’re a moth?”
I said, “Yes! I’m a moth. I act like a moth. I think like a moth. I’m a moth!”
The dentist said, “Sir, I think you want the psychiatrist’s office. He’s two doors further down the hall.”
I said, “I know. I was on my way there, but your light was on.”
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“It’s like being semi-erect. It ain’t too hard, but you still can’t do what you want.”
Original content, as far as I know. I actually said this at work today. We laughed and laughed. Then I cried a little.
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A man died and went up to the Pearly Gates to stand before Saint Peter. Peter told him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Well, yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a man who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got my baseball bat out from behind my seat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive, When did this happen?” asked Peter.
“About three minutes ago.”
(Apologies if this is a re-post.)
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I said, “Would you like to come back to my place?”
“I think you should ask my boyfriend first.” she smiled.
I said, “No thanks. I’m not gay.”
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A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners. On the way out of the door the lady at the counter says come again. The blonde says no, its toothpaste this time.
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I listened from around the corner, being the nosy brother that I am. It was my sister’s turn and she chose “Truth”. I listened on intently.
One of her friends giggled and said, “When was the last time you had an orgasm?”
My sister thought for a few seconds and said, “It was a week ago.”
Then I burst into the room and shouted, “I knew you faked it last night!”
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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: So you’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? "A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!”.
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Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.
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An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?… no, no no… was it gemini?… naaah…
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!
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Apparently WalGreens lights don’t run on power.
A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says “you were there, how did this whole thing get started?!” The Irishman responds “I don’t know it was burning when I walked in”
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.. and I yelled “I’m rooting for the one with the knife!”
Both of them ran away.
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A Chinese guy walks into a bar, and sits next to Jeff, and starts drinking his beer. Jeff asks him :
• My friend, do you know any martial arts, kung fu, karate or other stuff?
• Why do you ask, is it because i’m Chinese?
• No, it’s because you are drinking my beer.
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A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”. The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.” The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”
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My wife and I went to the ploughing championships and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
’ “THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR”
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs …..Smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year.’
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
“THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR”
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That’s more than twice a week! ………You could learn a lot from him.’
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
“THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR”
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That’s once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.’
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.’
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No Matter How Big And Bad You Are…
My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That’s the best I’ve ever done.
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After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he’s so stupid! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.
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Why don’t you fight the black kid that is in the second grade?
Because his father is in the eighth grade.
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One was eating batteries and the second was eating fireworks
They charged the first one and let the other off
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NO WAY
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London’s Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.
“How did you do that?” asked one of his friends.
“My watch is 30 minutes slow.”
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I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
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As the doctors are getting her ready to give birth, one of them informs the man that a machine that transfers some of the pain of birth from the mother to the father had been developed. They ask the man if he would want to take on some of the pain to make his wife’s burden easier.
The man agrees, so they lay him down in a bed next to his wife. The doctors tell the man that some fathers have died if the pain is cranked up too high, so the man opts to start at 10%. His wife lets out a small sigh of relief, but the man doesn’t look any different. He tells the doctors that he doesn’t feel any pain.
A little shocked, the doctors decide to turn it up to 20%. Still, the man says he feels normal. They set it to 30%, 60%, 80%, 100%, and still the man says that he doesn’t feel anything. Puzzled, the doctors just leave it at 100% and assist the man’s now-tranquil wife.
After the woman gives birth to a baby boy, the doctors congratulate the man for being so resistant to pain. When the couple gets home, they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.
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His grandson asks him, “papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?” the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, “I decay…”. Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.
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Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.
“Taking notes?”, Roosevelt asks.
“No,” Churchill says, “I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook.”
“How funny,” Stalin says. “I collect all jokes about myself too.”
“Oh, really?” Churchill says. “So how many have you got?”
“Three prison camps so far.”
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There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they’re at death’s door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
“Oh my, John,” says the first bloke. “It’s a bacon tree! We’re saved!” “You’re right!” says John.
So John goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying John.
“John, John! What on earth happened?”
With his dying breath John calls out
“It’s not a Bacon Tree”
“It’s a Ham Bush”
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A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver.
At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.
He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off.
He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.
The cop was dumbfounded.
‘This equipment must be broken,’ exclaimed the policeman.
'I doubt it,’ said the man. 'Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’
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Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.
He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
Without a moment’s hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police.
“I don’t understand”, Said the police officer. “How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?”
To which the thief replied: “But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!”
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Very Funny Stupid Signs
Do Not Tuch
funny road signs
Signs You Don’t See Everyday
Funny Signs For Sale
MISSING…
Sign that will make you laugh
Warning: Funny sign
in the name of love
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No… not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times….’
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when she stops him in his tracks and says, “I don’t think I’m ready for sex with you yet. We’ve only been going out for a couple of weeks.”
Disappointed, the guy asks, “well, is there anything I can do to show you that I’m serious and want to take our relationship to the next level?”
She thinks for a moment and replies, “if you are willing to come over for dinner and meet my parents, I’ll be willing to take things to the next level.” The guy agrees almost immediately.
The day of the dinner, the young man goes to his local pharmacy to buy protection. The problem is that he’s a virgin and has no idea what he’s doing. Embarrassed yet determined to get laid, he describes his situation to the pharmacist currently working the counter. The pharmacist shows him the condoms, lube, and other intimacy products and describes how to use them in significant detail. The lad thanks him, pays, and leaves.
Later that evening, the guy gets to his girlfriend’s house right as dinner is ready. The eager beaver and his lady sit down at the table as the mom and dad join them. The father sits down, bows his head, and asks the rest of the table to join him in a prayer. They say grace before beginning the meal, however, our young protagonist remains praying for several minutes after everyone else begins their meal.
The girlfriend, confused, eventually whispers to him “I didn’t know you were THIS religious…”
Still bowing his head, he whispers back, “I didn’t know your father was a pharmacist.”
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The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don’t have any Mexicans.
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Satan punishes them based on their sins, they must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life. The alchohalic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke. The three men face their punishments happily. 80 years later, Satan opens their doors. The alchohalic had drank all the booze and was incredibly sick from a hangover that never cured. He pleaded for repentance, swearing to never drink again. The sex addict had not aged, and was being chased by several unattactive, horny old ladies. He begged Satan to let him go as he had learned his lesson. Finally, Satan openes the door to the pot head’s room. To his surprise, non of the weed had been smoked. The pot head was sitting on the floor crying. He said to Satan, “Do you have a lighter man?!”
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How he’s bending down…
He said ‘I’ve got some commandments, do you want some?’
'What are they like?’ The Frenchman replied
'Thou shall not commit adultery’ Answered God
'I don’t think so…’ Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.
'What are they like?’ The German questioned
'Thou shall not kill’ God replied
'Hmmm, perhaps not’ The German sighed, so God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments
'What are they like?’ The Italian inquired
'Thou shall not steal’ Answered God
'Perhaps not’ The Italian replied. So God went to a Jew and offered him some commandments
'How much are they?’ The Jew asked
'They’re free’ God answered
'I’ll take ten’ Said the Jew
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Farm Fresh
There were three blonds walking through the woods, when they come across some tracks.
“These are bear tracks” said the first blond,
“No, these are deer tracks” sais the second,
“You two are both wrong, these are wolf tracks” said the third,
They were all still arguing when the train hit them.
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It’s three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn’t gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there’s a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn’t be that surprising for a 17 year old boy.
So he waits and he waits and he waits and finally he gets his tux when he over hears two boys talking about their dates and he thinks “Shit! I need to get a corsage.”
So Billy heads on down to the florist and of course there is a huge long corsage line. This too, of course shouldn’t be surprising as flowers will die and you don’t want to buy them too early. He waits and waits and finally he has his flowers. When he’s leaving the shop he overhears two ladies looking at flowers and talking about wedding transportation and Billy groans and thinks “I need a limo.”
Wouldn’t you know it, prom season is prime wedding season as well, and when he gets to the rental agency theres a huge long limo line. Billy spends even longer waiting in the limo line than the other shops, it’s nearly dark when he finally gets his limo.
Billy is relieved to finally have everything he needs for the prom and phones his girlfriend Penny to tell her the good news. Penny asks “Did you get the prom tickets?” Billy starts to panic when Penny laughs and told him she got them a week ago and scolds him for waiting so long to reserve everything.
The night of the prom arrives and when Billy and Penny get to the prom theres a huge long prom line to get in, because of course in this day and age they need to search the prom goers for drugs and alcohol and weapons. Billy submits to a pat down and goes into the prom.
Penny says lets go dance for a bit, and after some hard core boogying, Penny suggests they eat. Billy agrees and follows her to the buffet table where there’s a huge long buffet line. So they wait and they wait getting hungrier and more impatient until they are finally laden with food and make there way to their table.
They had just begun to eat when Penny realizes she forgot drinks, to which Billy insists upon getting for the both of them. He heads over the the drinks table and there is no punch line.
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A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies see him sad at the bar they ask what went wrong, he explains…
“My mom just told me I’m adopted”
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He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!” “Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!” The manager opens his dictionary and reads: “Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
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…so she tells the teacher : “I’d do anything for a good grade”. The teacher whispers into her ear : “Anything ?” She replies : “Yes, anything”. With a seductive smile he says : “Well then, sit down and start studying, you lazy fuck!”
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A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenceless woman his seat,” and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, “Look, lady, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles past my stop already.”
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A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one?
B: You can have both
A: Three
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He looks up to heaven and says “God, could you answer a question for me?” “Of course, my son,” says God, “what would you like to know?” “God, what is a million years to you?” “Well,” says God, “a million years to me is as a second.” “Hmm,” says the man. “I guess I understand. So what is a million dollars to you then?” “My son,” God says, “a million dollars to me is as a penny.” “Hmm,” says the man. He goes back to praying, but after a little while he looks up again. “God,” he asks, “can I have a penny?” “Sure,” God says. “Just a second.”
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A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. “Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor. The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”
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A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains…
“If she ain’t good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brothers, or her cousins, she ain’t good enough for me!!”
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A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl, that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn’t care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission.
“Hello, sir, I’m here to ask for your daughter’s hand”
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks “And why is that?”
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… “Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.”
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I guess it’s colder than I thought in Central Florida this evening.
When they see a goat with its head stuck in a fence. They pull over, and the driver gets out, goes over to goat pulls down his pants and fucks the goat. When he is done he gets back in the car and the passenger turns to him and says “you know, that actually looks like a lot of fun.” The drive tells him to go give it a shot. So the passenger gets out, walks over to the goat and sticks his head in the fence.
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This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It’s kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she’ll ask to have another baby. However, a man who has taken a kick to the jewels…
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A billionaire throws a party for the whole town. He has everything a billionaire could possibly have including: tennis courts, go cart track, mini-golf, private airplane, and a huge mansion. The main attraction however is the biggest swimming pool you’ve ever seen, and inside that pool, the worlds biggest alligator. At the end of the party he makes a announcement, ‘Before everyone leaves Id like to make a challenge, Whoever can swim across my swimming pool without getting eaten by the alligator can have one of three things. (1. A billion dollars) (2. Half my estate) (or 3. My daughters hand in marriage). No one however has the guts to do so and the party ends and everyone goes home. The very next year he throws another party’s just like the first and at the very end he challenges someone to the same challenge as before. However no one has the guts the 2nd year either and everyone leaves. The third year comes and he decides to throw one more party, and at the end of the party he gives his challenge one more time. Just as he is finishing saying what he will give the lucky guy who can swim across, He hears a splash of someone jumping in. He looks over to see this guy swimming as fast as he possibly can across the pool with the alligator chasing after him. Everyone in town is cheering him on as the alligator is snapping it’s jaw at his feet. The man reaches the end of the pool and 3 men pull him up as the alligator snaps his shoe off. The billionaire rushes over and he exclaims, 'THAT WAS THE BRAVESET THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!! Which choice do you want out of the three?!?! The man is breathing so heavily he can’t speak. The bilionare asks, 'Do you want a billion dollars?’ The man replies with heavy breathing 'No no No’. The billionaire responds with 'You’re a smart man you must want half my estate’. The man replies with heavy breathing still 'No No gasp No’. The billionaire goes 'Ok you are even smarter than I thought. You may have my daughters hand in marriage.’ The man replies still breathing heavily 'No No I don’t want your daughter’. The billionaire now confused asks 'Than what do you possibly want?!?!?!’ The man replies back with, 'I, I just want the na, name of the gu, guy who pushed me in.
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…when the plane’s engines fail and it starts to go down. The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.
The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says “God save the Queen!” and jumps from the plane.
The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says “Viva la France!” and jumps to his death.
The Texan stands up, straightens his cowboy hat, says “Remember the Alamo!” and throws the Mexican out.
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A mother of twins went into labour and passed out. She woke up hours later to find her (not so bright) sister carrying her twins. Nervously the new mother asked her sister whether the children has been named. To which the sister replied yes. The new mother shocked and scared then asked the sister what she named the children to which she replied she named the niece Denise. The mother feeling a little better then asked what she had name the boy to which she replied Denephew.
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…and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
“Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it’s hard to hear the truth but I’m afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?”
To which the little boy replies:
“How can you think about sex in a time like this?”
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A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!”“Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!"The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
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HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.
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So I have a story about a man who drank a lot and his wife said “If you ever come home drunk again I will leave you”
So the man goes to the pub with his mates, has a few too many and throws up all over himself. He tells his friend about his situation and his friend said “take a £20 note and put it in your shirt pocket, then tell your wife somebody threw up on your shirt and gave you the money for the dry cleaning bill”
So he goes home and his wife was about to leave when she saw him. So he pulls out the £20 and explains someone threw up over him and gave him the money for the dry cleaning bill. She asks “what is the other £20 for?” He replies “that was from the man who shat in my pants”
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This is a problem so he goes to the doctor to see what he can do about size reduction. The doctor says “sir, I can’t do anything about it here. But I do know of a magic frog. Go into the woods, find the frog and ask it to marry you. Every time it says no, your penis will decrease by 3 inches.”
So the man finds the frog and says “magic frog, will you marry me?” The frog rolls it’s eyes and says “no.” The man looks down and sure enough, it works! So he goes “magic frog, will you marry me?” The frog rolls it’s eyes again and says “No.” And it shrinks again down to 9 inches. The man decides to try one last time. So he goes “magic frog, will you marry me?” And the frog snaps and says “How many times do I have to say it?! NO NO and NO!!!”
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3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, “We have reached your destination”. The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said “Thank you”. The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked “What was that for?”. The 3rd guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”
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funny entrance
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.”
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”
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Peace garden
I’d like a “pizza” that.
Bartender says “Three feet tall.”
Guy says “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
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Me: “That’s a huge rock over there!”
Him: “Boulder.”
Me: “That’s a huge rock over there.”
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