Apparently the neighborhood announcements sign had a little too much to drink last night
saying “ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyoupleasegivemeanalternative”
Oh boy am I excited, but what does “ternative” mean?
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An elderly man at a dinner party was telling a small group about the wonderful restaurant he and his wife went to a couple of days before. The food was fantastic and the service impeccable. When someone asked him the name of it, he couldn’t remember.
“I can’t remember. Help me here…” He asks, “What’s the name of a beautiful flower? It smells lovely and the stem has thorns.”
Someone yells out rose!
He turns around and says, “Hey Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?”
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?” “Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.” “How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks. The man replies, “About a gallon ”
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Two, one to change it and one to complain that the old one was better.
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see a little boy bent over.
The Priest says to the Rabbi: “Should we fuck him?”
The Rabbi says to the Priest: “Out of what?”
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‘You know what?’ says the 7 year old, 'I think it’s about time we started swearing.’
The 5 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?’
'Ok’ the 5 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Shit mom, I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have some Fruit Loops ’
WHACK…she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 5 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’
'I don’t know mom, but it won’t be fucking Fruit Loops’
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Watch it…
The question was: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
-
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
-
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa during my freshman year that “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and we take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Theresa kept shouting, “Oh my God.”
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Lost in translation?
On the ground is a huge swimmingpool. Their only chance to survive is to jump into it. The Priest looks at it, prays for 20 min. says “God will help me” jumps, misses and dies.
The physician looks down, approximates some values, writes down some constants and makes a small experiment, calculates 5 min. says “I hope I remembered the constants well enough”, jumps and lands safely in the pool.
The mathematician takes out his notebook and in an attempt to come up with a general solution and its proof, spends 2h writing furiously. “This has to work”, he says, jumps and flies upwards in a steep curve. He made a sign error.
(Joke from our Physics professor, the room was dying laughing. I hope I didnt screw up too badly translating this from german, have mercy)
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So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself “this is an electrical fire, water won’t work!” And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himself “we have to cut the electricity off!” And runs to the power panel in the basement. The statistician wakes up and looks around, he then screams “we need more data!!” And he sets the curtains on fire.
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“Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!”
“Oh my god that’s amazing! Where are we going?!”
“I don’t care, just get out!”
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I do not think that means what you think it means
This summary is not available. Please
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Air Hostess to passenger: “Sir would you like to have dinner?”
Passenger: “What are the options?”
Air Hostess: “Yes and No.”
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Only two were invited, but the third one got in through the backdoor.
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Uh… No thanks.
if you ever get cold just stand in a corner for a bit. they are usually around 90 degrees.
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…General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people’s cell phone/internet communications.
The General sighed and shook his head. “Some men just want to watch the world, Bern.”
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passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.
A passenger asks the captain:
-
Who is he?
-
We don’t know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.
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A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway outside Tijuana. Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed to the nearest hospital. Unfortunately, the doctors determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him. He dies within a few minutes and the attending physician marks the cause of death as “½”. Curious, the nurse asks him what this seemingly unrelated fraction has to do with this man’s death. The doctor responds “Juan over-dos”.
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She said “You have the biggest dick I’ve ever put my hands on.” I said “Nah. You’re just pulling my leg.”
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Historically funny.
Vegetarians…
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior,” but April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!”
The Teacher fainted …
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who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?” The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.” The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people too!!”
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They meet up there, realizing they know each other and are surprised to see the other one dead.
“Wow! What happened to you?” Asks the firs one.
“Hypothermia.. It was soo cold, but after a while I just wanted to sleep and looks like I am never waking up. How about you?”
“Heart attack”
“Whaat! You are in your twenties! What happened? ”
“Well, for a while now I’ve been suspecting that my husband cheats on me. So this one night I told him I was gonna be working late, but I came home early. I was damn sure there was a girl there. I looked everywhere, but to no avail. Under the bed, in the closet, in the bathroom, in the basement. I was so frustrated by the end, that my heart just collapsed.”
“Well” said the other one “Had you checked the fridge, we both would’ve been alive right now”
EDIT: formatten’
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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. “Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”
The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?” The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.” “Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my asshole.” And the idiot went to heaven.
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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The old gentleman paused. Then he said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.
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Her nose can’t even run
Came up with this myself and was quite proud
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So I married her off to a stranger in order to secure an alliance with the French.
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A dad walks into his son’s bedroom and finds him masturbating.
“Son! That is bad for you, it’ll make you go blind”.
“Dad, i’m over here”.
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A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, ‘The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.’
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is’
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother: “Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”
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and when he checks into the only hotel in the town, he quietly asks the manager:
“Y'know, do you have any girls here, for, uh, ‘nighttime favours’?”
“Not really”, the manager answers, “we only have Bob.”
The man is a bit confused, replies “Hm, no thank you” and goes to his room. At night, he is lying on his bed, sleepless, and cannot control his urges any longer, so he decides to call up the manager again.
“You know, I’ve changed my mind, please call Bob for me. How much does he usually charge?”
“You’ll need to pay about eighty bucks”
“Okay, fine, and how will we go about this? I give the eighty to Bob and then we’ll fuck?”
“Nah, not really, you’ll have to pay forty to the mayor, because it’s his city and he doesn’t really like it when this happens. So if you pay him first, he’ll look the other way”
“Sure, so Bob only gets forty dollars, but then we’ll fuck!”
“Ah, not quite. See, I’ll take twenty of those, since it’s my hotel, and I also don’t really like it when this happens.”
“Whatever, if Bob is satisfied with the twenty that are left over, it’s fine. So I’ll just give those to him, and then we can get it on?”
“Nope, John and Tony will be splitting the remaining twenty, they’ll be holding Bob down, because he also doesn’t really like it when this happens.”
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Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: “Pierre, kiss me”.
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie’s lips.
“What are you doing, Pierre?” shrieks Marie.
“Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!”
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: “Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.
“Pierre, what are you doing” she says.
“My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!”
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre’s ear…“Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, “PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?”
“My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!!!”
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Jes’ moseyin along…
A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was trudging through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water he hurried towards it only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted, “Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”
“OK, OK” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.” Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead… “Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie!”
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When they get there they meet the devil, who tells them there’s a way to get to heaven. The Devil explains that behind 3 doors are tasks that they must each complete, in whatever order they want, to go to heaven.
Door 1 is a room with 10 virgin ladies, the task is to make them all orgasm in 30 minutes.
Door 2 is a room with 3 lions, who they must punch to death.
Door 3 is a room with 2 beer kegs, that they have to finish in an hour.
The first guy, a well endowed gentleman, confidently chooses door 1 first. After 30 minutes he didn’t even make one orgasm and gets sent to burn in hell.
The second guy, a former circus worker, chooses door 2 first, hoping to be able to use his skills to punch the lions to death. After 10 minutes he comes out, bleeding and saying I can’t do it…he goes to hell.
The last guy, a bum who is an alcoholic, chooses to start with door 3. Not even 30 minutes he comes out smiling, drunk like a skunk but completely finished the kegs. Then he goes to door 2…at a distance you can hear roaring and moaning, louder and louder by the minute. Eventually he comes back out with a big smile on his face, and asks the devil “burp now where are them bitches I gotta punch to death?”.
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The man says to the chef: “Gee, this steak is rubbery!” And the chef replies “thank you very much!”
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There’s a sign next to the horse that says “Make this horse laugh, win $500 and free drinks for the night”
The man decides to give it a shot. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear.
The horse bursts out laughing.
The bartender is shocked and begrudgingly pays the man and gives him a night of free drinks.
The man wakes up the next morning and continues on with his journey.
On his way back home, this man sees a new sign next to this horse that reads “Make this horse cry, win $1,000 and free drinks for two nights.”
Having been successful the first time, the man walks up to the horse and a few moments later the horse is sobbing.
The bartender is pissed that the same man won his contest both times. He pays up and starts pouring beer for him.
After a few drinks, the bartender breaks and says “look, I’m losing a lot of money on this. You have to tell me how you did it.”
The man finishes his beer and says with a grin, “Last week, i told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This week, i proved it.”
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“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17x19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close!”
“But it was quick!”
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And I don’t know what he laced them with.. But I’ve been tripping all day
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Every woman in the audience yelled “Booo!”
The speaker said to the crowd, “Obedient little bitches, aren’t you?”
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Dory is hilarious!
My gf has a hard time remembering things. Then I found this!
Pets that are stuck, yet pretending everything is fine
Oh. Sorry to have gotten those mixed up…
I was walking around when I realized I had left my watch on the bed in the master bedroom. I worked my way through the crowd of people and opened the bedroom door. There on the bed was a guy who was sexually assaulting a drunk girl. I walked right up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody is going to sexually assault a girl…not on my watch.
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Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man’s friend asks, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.” The dying man said, “We’ve been friends for years, this I’ll do for you.” And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend’s voice. The voice says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there’s baseball in heaven.” “What’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching on Wednesday.”
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…and one says to the other, “I’ve never come this way before.” The second answers, “Neither have I. It must be the cobblestones.”
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Billy was sleeping in his room when suddenly a flash of light appeared. A man was then standing in Billy’s room. Billy was amazed.
Billy asked “Who are you?”
The man responded with “I’m you from the future”
Billy was amazed to be able to meet his future self.
He asked his older self “What will I be when I grow up?”
The older Billy locked the door and said “A paedophile”
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There are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the one two three cat, and the French cat is called the un deux trois cat. who won?
The English cat. The un deux trois quatre cinq.
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’
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He arrives in time for Hell orientation. As he walks into the orientation room, he looks around and finds an empty seat and sits down. The orientation staff woman starts off the meeting with a roll-call:
“Do we have Mr. Johnson present?”
“Here,” says a man.
“Mr. Smith?”
“Present,” responds another man.
“What about Mr. Wong?”
The Chinese man replies, “Here,” just as another Chinese man raises his hand says, “Here,” as well.
“Oh my,” says the orientation staff person, looking at her sheet. “It appears there has been a mix-up. We only have one Mr. Wong penciled in for today. I saw the duplicate name and entered you both in the system as the same person. My mistake! Let’s see here… Why don’t you both stop by Room 666-b tomorrow morning at 9:00 and we’ll see if we can straighten this out.”
The next morning, the Chinese man shows up to Room 666-b, and notices the sign above the door: “REINCARNATION SERVICES”
He walks in and is immediately greeted by a man in a nice business suit. “Good morning, Mr. Wong! I am the Director of Reincarnation Services. Please step into my office. Your associate, Mr. Wong, has already arrived.”
He walks into the office and has a seat. The Director likewise sits down behind his desk and explains, “We are very sorry for the paperwork mix-up yesterday, gentlemen. Unfortunately, it’s going to take about a week to get it all straightened out in our system. You know how it goes. But, in the meantime we’d like to make it up to you here at Reincarnation Services!
"In this department, we are responsible for sending souls back up to Earth to haunt the living once again. We do zombies, wraiths, liches, you name it! Usually we reserve these services for some of our more senior Hell residents, but seeing as these are special circumstances, I think we can make an exception. Let’s see here… I think we can pencil you in for this Halloween, we can have you come back as a wight to haunt a small town for a week. How does that sound?”
“Both of us? As one wight?” the Chinese man asks.
“Yes, remember you are still in the system as a single person until we figure it out. But we’ll send you up top for a week, you’ll have the time of your afterlife, and by the time you get back we’ll have it all sorted out.”
“Well, yeah, that sounds pretty great,” says the Chinese man.
“Good! Now let me just place a phone call and set up the details.” And the Director pics up the phone and dials a number. “Yes… Hello, I have two gentlemen here I’d like to send up as a wight this Halloween… Yes, those two… Yes… Uh huh… What do you mean you can’t? You won’t make an exception?… Alright, I see… Alright, yes, goodbye.”
The Director hangs up and says to the two Chinese men, “I’m very sorry sirs, but it appears we can’t do that.”
“Well why not?” they reply.
“It’s company policy. Two Wongs can’t make a wight.”
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… and comes to a silver back gorilla exhibit and he notices a sign. The sign states “ Please do not tap the gorilla”. He looks around and says fuck it and taps the gorilla.
The gorilla breaks out the cage violently and starts chasing the man. He realizes the bad choice that he made. He starts running away but realizes that the gorilla will catch up to him and maul him.
He finds a car and starts driving and thinks he’s the clear. Looking in the rear view mirror, he connected eyes with gorilla who was right on his tail. The gorilla starts to attack the back of the car and the man makes it to the pier and hopping out and starts running to a speedboat. On the speedboat he revs it up to 100 MPH and thinks he’s in the clear, only to see the gorilla swimming closely behind him. He docks the boat across the lake and and continues running.
Looking back he sees that the gorilla hasn’t given up chase at all. He finds himself backed up against a tree, so he puts a bandana over his eyes and starts to smoke a cigarette; waiting for his demise. The gorilla comes up, taps him and says “ TAG YOU’RE IT”.
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The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.’ Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her’ The man said, 'You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’ The agent said, 'Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’ The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, 'You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’ Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks’ he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death’.
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In case of emergency, walk through random door….or around it. No biggie. via /r/funnysigns http://ift.tt/20DPZVR
A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60’s together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It’s perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billionaire sends out his invitations. A few weeks later he sees Jefferson Airplane, The Beetles, Jimmy Hendrix and a hoard of 60’s luminaries standing in the grass, but none are coming inside. Paul McCartney is playing cards with Mick Jagger.
The billionaire is stunned. “I’ve spent a year building this palace, making it perfect in every detail for the best musicians the 60’s has ever known. Why won’t you come inside?”
John Lennon adjusts his glasses and calls out: “You forgot The Doors.”
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A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, “MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!”
“You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.
“Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked.
“HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, “MY ROLEX!”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1R7kVet
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
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21st floor person goes: AHHHHHHHHHH thump
1st floor goes: thump AHHHHHHHHHH
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My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.
via reddit http://ift.tt/1QjWUh1
A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks “Can I help you sir?”.
The man answers “What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?”.
The bartender sais “That would be $2.60”.
“Alright, I’ll have one.” sais the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground. The bartender doesn’t want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
via reddit http://ift.tt/1SvphiB
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat, we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”
(I stole this from a friend. Sorry mate)
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…the difference between using chemicals to remove polish, and using chemicals to remove Polish.
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What’s 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
Trump’s tie
via reddit http://ift.tt/1QEOXDr
We’re watching the Grammys as a family when the Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood performance came up. We watched it in silence and then talked about the performance once it finished. My mother thought Sam Hunt looked similar to someone and thus the joke begins:
Mom: “Hmm. That guy looks like someone else. Does he have any family?”
Dad: (gives a thoughtful look before replying) “Yeah he looks really familiar… Oh! His brother is Mike!”
Mom: “Mike Hunt?…”
(My dad breaks out into the biggest grin on record and we both start laughing our asses off)
Mom: “Oh dammit.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/20XcLNI
Phone Operator: “G'day mate …. Helpline here ……..What’s the problem?”
Customer: “I’m in the Outback with the girlfriend and she’s been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!”
Australian Telephone Operator: “Bummer!” Customer: “Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/20WK2Zi
There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money.
He was a real cheapskate when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, ‘Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life.’
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him. When one day he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, ‘Wait a minute!’
She had a shoebox with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.”
“Her friend said, ‘I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.’
She said, ‘Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was to put that money in that casket with him.’
‘You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?’
‘I sure did,’ said the wife. ‘I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.’
via reddit http://ift.tt/245Ku6F
….But if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know, She’d be three of them.
via reddit http://ift.tt/1Tm6Ywm
Chuck the mailman, after 30 years on the same route, was retiring. On his last day, several customers on his route gave him gifts to celebrate his career. The Jones gave him a set of golf clubs, the Millers gave him a gift card for a nice restaurant. Finally he walked up to his last house. He was about to walk away when the door opened and he was greeted by a beautiful blonde in very revealing lingerie.
Without a word she took his hand and led him up to her bedroom, and they proceeded to make passionate love unlike anything he had ever dreamed. She then left the room and returned with a large tray filled with a gourmet breakfast. Chuck was famished from their exertions and dug in. After a while he was satisfied like he had never been before, when he noticed a dollar bill tucked under the coffee cup. Finally his curiosity got the better of him and he addressed the girl.
“Listen, this has all been so great. Beyond my wildest dreams in every way, but I have to ask: after all this, what’s with the dollar?”
“Well,” said the blonde,“last night I told my husband that Chuck the Mailman was retiring, and asked what we should give you. He said, ‘Fuck him, give him a dollar’. The breakfast was my idea.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1QDGiRL
There’re intended for children, but it’s the fathers that wind up playing with them.
via reddit http://ift.tt/1ojNwEh
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1OciItE
The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”
The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1ojNuw6
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1KRyKOQ
A man goes to join an order of monks.
The head Monk says to the man “This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years.”
The man says “Ok” and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man “It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?”.
The man responds, “The porridge could do with a little more sugar.” The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormatory and says “Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?”.
“The bed sheets are a bit thin.” Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks “15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?”.
“Well actually I’ve been thinking about it and I’m leaving the order. It’s not really for me.” says the man.
“Yes, yes” sighs the head monk “I think that’s for the best. You’ve done nothing but fucking complain since you got here.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1oDOrz5
I’m undecided.
On one hand, I like killing babies, on the other, I don’t like giving women a choice.
via reddit http://ift.tt/1oD1L6T
A Chinese Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.’
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth.”
Lawyer: “Ugh. this is kerosene.”
Chinese: “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.”
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”
Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”
Chinese: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.”
Chinese: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”
Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $20, not $100!!”
Chinese: “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1Qh2ErR
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!” He said, “Explain the kids!”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1OaWYhz
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “Well that’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/20y47zL
The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the white, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The white man says to the black man, “That’s typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?”
The white man replies, “Look in the black mans back pocket…..”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1U2cGD5
when the doorbell rings. The wife says “I’ll get it” and goes downstairs and opens the door and it’s the next door neighbor. Neighbor whispers “look, I’ll give you a hundred bucks if you just open your robe for me…” so the woman shrugs and opens her robe for a few seconds and the neighbor smiles and gives the woman a hundred dollar bill. Wife gets back in bed and husband goes “who was it?” And the wife says “oh it was just the neighbor.” And the husband goes, “did he give you the hundred bucks that he owes me?”
An old-timer told me this so it can’t be that fresh but I had never heard it and thought it was good.
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The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin’, there’s no paper on this side either!”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1RBccDs
The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, “There IS a solution!”, and then burns to death.
via reddit http://ift.tt/1oeYaMz
She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.
Although Hillary was vague about the details of her plans, she seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about her ideas for helping her “red sisters and brothers.”
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented Hillary with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud Hillary then departed in her motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to Hillary.
They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
via reddit http://ift.tt/1obsmHO
So he decides to go in because he has never seen Mexican book store before. He browses through the store, and then he finally asks the clerk “do you have the book on Donald Trump’s foreign policies with Mexico?” The clerk replies “fuck you, get out, stay out!”. The man replies “ yeah, that’s the one!”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1oAF6Is
Look, boss, all I said was: “I bet my raise is as big as your dick.” Whether that’s an insult or not is entirely up to you.
via reddit http://ift.tt/1mzkZsl
I texted him back: “I’m busy working, I’ll send one later.” “That’s hilarious,” he said, “send another one!”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1QdSw2Y
When they get to the gate St. Peter says to them. “Now before I let you in there is one thing I need to let you know. Heaven has a duck problem at the moment and we are telling everyone to be careful and not to step on a duck or we will have to punish you.”
So the three girls go through the gate and after a week one of them steps on a duck, and all of them start to quack and make a ton of noise and it causes everyone in heaven to be unhappy.
St. Peter says to her “I told you not to step on a duck, so I will have to punish you” He then handcuffs an extremely ugly man to her and says “this is your heaven mate for eternity.” The girl thinks to herself. “Damn I shouldn’t have stepped on that duck.”
The second girl after a month steps on a duck and St Peter says “I told you not to step on a duck, so I will have to punish you” He then handcuffs an even uglier guy to her and says “this is your heaven mate for eternity.” This girl also thinks to herself. “Damn I shouldn’t have stepped on that duck.”
A whole year goes by and St. Peter walks up to the third girl and says “For not stepping on a duck you are being rewarded for being careful where you walk and being a good heaven tenant.” He then handcuffs this magnificently gorgeous man to her, and says “Here is your heaven mate for eternity, enjoy”
The man who was handcuffed to the third girl then thinks to himself “Damn I shouldn’t have stepped on that duck.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1TYXLJZ
and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, “George, what can I do to best serve the United States?”
The ghost of George Washington responds, “Never tell a lie.”
She says, “Oh, I don’t think I can do that.”
The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, “Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?”
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, “Listen to the people.”
She says, “Oh, I don’t think I can do that.”
On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, “Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?”
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, “Go see a play.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1myKSbR
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn’t like it - so I drank it. Then I got him an Old Style. He didn’t like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey … I could hardly push his stroller back home.
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The doctor says “Woow, how do your pants fit?”, he replies “like a glove”
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3 couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
“If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex,” says the priest.
One month later the 3 couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple “Have you completed the month with sex?”
“Yes we have, it was easy,” replies the elderly couple.
“How about you?” He asks the middle aged couple.
“It was hard, but we didn’t have sex for the whole month,” they respond.
“And how about you two?” He asks the young couple.
“No we couldn’t do it.” Responds the boyfriend.
“Tell me why,” says the priest.
“Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that’s when it happened.”
The priest then tells them “You’re not welcome in my church.”
“We’re not welcome in the supermarket either,” Says the boyfriend.
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One of them ask, “So, you having fun?”. The other one says “Yeah. I’m having a ball.”
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She says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”
The pharmacist says, “Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to call the police and report you.”
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It’s a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist’s wife.
“Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1o8ohnx
Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says: “You know, I’ve never really understood what a dilemma is..”
“Let me tell you a story” says the other man. “Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is a incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you and to your right is a very horny gay man”.
“So where’s the dilemma ?” replies the first man.
“To whom do you turn your back ?”
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A guy is late for an important meeting but can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. “Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!” A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. “Never mind. Found one!”
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We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
I’m so sorry…
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The cannibals catch them and say"bring us 10 fruits or we will kill you" the first man comes back with ten carrots the cannibals tell him"we’ll stick them all up your ass if you dont move a muscle we’ll let you live" they force the first one up his ass he doesnt say anything but as soon as they touch the other carrot he says Ow! They throw him in a cage the second man comes back with ten berries they tell him the same thing and start filling him up they stick the first one he doesnt say anything then the second one the the 3rd 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th but as soon as they stick the 10th on up his ass he starts laughing they throw him in a cage next to the other guy ,he says"DUDE you were doing so well why’d you laugh?“ "Because i saw the other guy coming with ten watermelons”
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“I want to be a history major,” he says.
The dad responds, “No you don’t! There’s no future in it!”
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A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The Rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The Priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith.” The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the Rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”
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So, 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.
via reddit http://ift.tt/1TaH0KW
They get three married couples and separate them, placing the men in one room and the women in another. They ask the men if they would shoot their wives for their country and all agree they would. They hand the first guy a gun and tell him to go and shoot his wife. Guy walks in the room with his wife but he just can’t do it. The FBI agent takes the gun back and tells the couple to leave. They give the second guy the gun and tell him to go shoot his wife. Guy walks in the room raises the gun to his wife but starts shaking uncontrollably and can’t do it. The FBI agent takes back the gun and tells them to leave. They give the gun to the third guy and tell him to go shoot his wife. The guy walks in the room, closes the door and “BANG! BANG! BANG!” followed by the sound of a serious fight. The door opens and the guy walks out with his shirt torn and scratch marks all over his arms and face. The FBI agent asks, “What the hell happened in there?” to which the husband replies, “Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle her to death!”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1TeEC7p
Now I’m not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the sex I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong…..but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents
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Two Italian me get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”
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Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying IDIOT!! told you I was speeding too.
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And they pass a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and asks “hey wanna get shit faced?”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1V4oBOY
He says to the bartender, “Tonight all drinks are on me!”
The bartender says to him, “you must’ve had a good day today, what happened?”
“I finally found a way to make a stable molecule from a barium atom, two sodium atoms, and a sulfur atom!” the chemist proudly replies.
“Wow,” says the bartender, “that’s BaNaNaS!”
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The Asian looks up, surprised, and asks “What the hell was that for?”
The Jewish-American says “That’s for Pearl Harbor asshole!”
The Asian man says “But I am Taiwanese!”
The Jewish-American says “Ahhh Taiwanese, Chines, Japanese. It’s all the same!”
Minutes later, the angered Asian man walks over and punches the Jewish-American in the back of the head and yells “That’s for sinking the Titanic you son of a bitch!”
“An iceberg sunk the Titanic! Everyone knows that!” he exclaimed.
“Ahhh, Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg…”
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and I met a girl who was dressed as an egg. One thing led to another and a lifelong question was answered; it was the chicken.
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There was a young stud with a vintage motorcycle. He loved his motorcycle! The only problem was, the leather on the seats had aged, and any time it rained he would have to rub the seats with petroleum jelly to protect it from the weather.
He meets a girl, and after some time together, she decides to take him to dinner at her parents’ house. The night of the dinner, the new girlfriend tells the young motorcycle stud about the “rule” during dinner. The rule is that whoever talks during dinner has to wash every dish in the kitchen. She explains that no one has talked during dinner for years, and there are piles upon piles of dishes in the kitchen.
Sure enough they get to the parents’ home and the kitchen is an even worse disaster than the girlfriend had described.
The parents and the young couple enjoy some friendly small talk before dinner, but as soon as they sit down at the table, not one sound is made.
The young stud decides to have a little fun with the situation. He throws his girlfriend on the table, pulls her pants down, and starts making passionate love to her. The girl’s parents are noticeably angry. But no one utters a word. Having gone this far, the young stud decides to push his luck a little further. He grabs the mother and starts having sex with her. The mother is a little surprised, the girlfriend is mad, and the father is furious, but no one says a word. All of the sudden, it starts to rain cats and dogs. The young stud reaches into his bag and grabs his petroleum jelly. The father throws down his napkin, stand up and says, “Alright, alright, I’ll do the dishes!”
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it stalls. Mechanical engineer suggests a timing problem. Electrical engineer says bad spark. Chemical engineer offers poor fuel mixture. The computer engineer has no idea but “If we get out the car and get back in it may start
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This man on conspiracy show introduced as “werewolf expert”; I don’t know that he would be allowed any other job with that haircut via /r/funny http://ift.tt/1V1qlso
Someone Yelp reviewed the liquor store near my house after it burned down. via /r/funny http://ift.tt/1XgbdJ9
