She’s not sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of the bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you’ve got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s not in front of the bar for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up in a car and says, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “Shit. All I’ve got is thirty.”
She says, “Hold on.”
She runs back to Harry and says, “What can he get for $30?”
Harry says, “A hand job.”
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips up his pants, and out pops a huge cock.
She stares at it for a minute and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back around the corner and says, “Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
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He walks into a whorehouse and sets the jar of money on the counter. He proclaims to the woman standing behind it “I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here.” She glares at him and replies “get outta here kid, you’re too young.” Little Johnny retorts, pointing at the jar and says “look, lady- I’m paid. Let me get what I want.”
She reluctantly agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. “Meet Yolanda, she’s a veteran.” He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up his pants. The lady behind the counter asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, “Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I’ve gotten what I wanted.” Perplexed, she asks him why.
He replies,
“My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That’s what she’s into. She’s going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman… and HE’S THE MOTHER FUCKER WHO RAN OVER MY FROG”
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A man walks into a bookstore and asks an employee if they have Donald Trump’s new book on immigration. The employee, an immigrant himself, said, “fuck you, get out and stay out!”
The man replied, “yeah. Do you have it in paperback?”
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The shelter told her the bird lived in a whorehouse for the last decade. When her husband’s car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said, “Hi Phil, welcome back."
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He coughs up some water and tries to find himself some civilization. He walk around until it becomes apparent he is alone on an island except for a pig and a dog, both of which are strangely domesticated. Oh well, time to Robinson Crusoe the shit out of this island.
He starts a fire. Builds himself a hut. Starts a sizeable garden so he won’t have to eat Ms. Oinky.
Time passes. He starts “getting lonely.” Manual release stops being quite so gratifying. Ms. Oinky starts to look a lot more attractive. He resists because it’s wrong. It’s disgusting. But in the end he couldn’t resist. He walked up behind Ms. Oinky, feeling terrible about himself. He lowered his tattered pants…all of a sudden the dog went batshit crazy. It charged right at him barking and snapping. It was inches away from biting his dick. The guy runs away and the dog immediately calms back down. The guy damn near has a heart attack and decides to get back to the whole island survival thing.
He makes some crude tools out of rocks. Digs an irrigation ditch for his garden. Starts work on a rudimentary still.
But soon, he starts to feel urges again. His hands are rough and calloused, sore from long days of hard labor (and a lot of masturbation). Ms. Oinky starts looking good again.
This time he plans it. He walks to the far side of the island with the dog. They play fetch for an hour. The dog finally collapses on the beach, having a happy dog nap. The man sneaks away back to where he left Ms. Oinky. He steps behind her. Lowers his pants. Closes his eyes and tries to remember what boobs look like.
Then out of fucking nowhere that damn dog EXPLODES out of the bushes, barking his damn head off. The guy sets a new world record for pulling up pants. What the fuck is up with that dog?
The next day a plane crashes off the shore. It hit pretty hard, and none of the doors opened so the guy assumed there were no survivors. He decides to swim out to it and see if he can find anything worthwhile to salvage. Inside it’s kind of dark, but somehow he stumbles onto an unconscious survivor. He swims them back to shore, and in the middle of CPR he notices the survivor is a woman, and she is HOT. Not just hot like any woman would be hot to a guy who’s been trapped on a deserted island for months would be hot, like objectively gorgeous.
The babe coughs a couple of times and looks around. She grasps the situation pretty quickly and says some of the usual damsel in distress stuff, “Oh my hero! you saved my life! I’ll do anything to repay you.”
The guy was kind of zoning out while staring at her –I mean, it’s been awhile since he’s seen anyone, let alone anyone so gorgeous– but that last sentence snaps him back to reality. “Wait,” he replied, “you’d do anything?”
She looks back at him seductively (well, as seductively and someone who was just damn near drowned could…which in her case was still pretty fucking seductive) and said “Anything.”
He gave her another good long look. Then said, “Great! Do me a favor and hold that dog!”
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The librarian said, “I don’t think it’s in yet.”
I said, “Yes, that’s the one.”
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As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, ‘I have a joke’. 'Better be quick!’ The anaesthetist said. 'Do you know what the key to comedy is?’ Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing’.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.
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A parking sign you might actually pay attention to…
Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road. Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car.
The chauffeur has no time to react, and runs over it, giving it instant death.
The chauffeur stops the car, gets out and looks around. He spots a small farm-house in the distance. Donald says to his chauffeur, “You should at least tell them that you’ve killed the pig”
The chauffeur does as he’s told.
A couple of hours later, the chauffeur stumbles out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss-marks and a bottle of champagne in each hand.
As he stumbles to the passenger side window, Donald exclaims, “Jesus, what did you tell them?”
“Exactly what you told me boss…Hi I’m Donald Trump’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the pig….”
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If so, the bunnies give us eggs and candy, right?
If so, the rabbits give us stuff to eat, right?
I got the cat down, but now what do I do?
Crosswalk shorted out today and gave me a shocker instead
…so the driver got out to see what was going on. He lifted the hood, looked in, and noticed there was something wrong with the motor piston. Without any tools or cell service, he sighed, shut the hood and leaned on his car and waited for a passerby. Finally, a truck came around the bend so he waved it down and the truck pulled over. Inside was a few Native Americans, and asked, “what’s wrong?”
“Piston broke”, he replied.
“So are we. Get in.”
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Lesson: If you’re a good driver, watch out for women who are turning.
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Who dah floor be who dah?
Whiskey or bears? Hmmm.
The Friday special isn’t very appealing
A Jew is a person who follows Judaism, and pizza is a food…
I bet you expected a Holocaust joke. Jew thought wrong.
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I dig You dig We dig He dig She dig They dig
It’s not a very beautiful poem, but it’s quite deep!
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In emergency, please leave handicapped under the stairs before you run
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied the Vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$3000!” she cried, “$3000 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $100, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $3000.“
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No Food. No Smoking. Yes Unicorns.
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!”
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!”
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!”
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit.
“Lion,” they reprimand, “why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!”
The lion answers, “That little bastard has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ice!”
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That’d make him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
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The cop says “We are looking for two pedophiles”. The priest rolls up the window and starts furiously arguing with the other priest. After a short time, he rolls down the window again: “We’d be up for it”.
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Seems legit.
Q: What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? A: You can’t hear a vita-min.
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One is a super hero and the other is a command.
I’ll show myself out…
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Complete waste of money. All he does is stand there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is.
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Legendary Wolfpit Weather Rock
Slightly unusual trail
They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was…
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island…
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this…
One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… “Whats wrong?” Scarlett Johansson asked, “Nothing…” the guy would say…
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him…
"Really?, youll do anything id like?" "yes" she said "anything!" "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "ok..." "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly. "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"
she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.
"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache" "ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered. "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited...
She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: “DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!”
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Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angel’s gained a little weight since we started going out.
You and me love, we’re like six balls in cricket. OVER!
I’m leaving you on religious grounds. I’ve decided to become a Jew, and you’re a fucking pig.
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
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The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent “Easy Reading” to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, “An ‘R’! They left out the 'R'”.
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It’s the letter 'R’… the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE.”
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TAOISM: Shit happens
ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening?
PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else
ATHEISTS: Shit happens for no apparent reason
HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens/ Shit happens/ Happens, happens/ Shit happens
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius says: “Shit happens”
HINDUISM: This shit happened before
CATHOLICISM: If shit happens you deserve it
AGNOSTICS: Facts happen
EVANGELISTS: Send me £8 million or shit will happen to you
BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn’t really shit
ISLAM: If shit happens it is the will of Allah
JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to us?
CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS: Only good shit happens
JEHOVA’S WITNESSES: Let us in and we will tell you why shit happens
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One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS
… what was the question again?
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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself “She’ll never go for me carrying on like that,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On is way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he ‘putt-putted’. He 'putted’ down one hill and 'putt-putted’ up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!’ It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.
When he heard the 'phone farewells’ (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “Surprise!!”
To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
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The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.
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My son is actually four but he was a boring little cunt for the first three years.
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…and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”
She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,’ he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?“
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863’ said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.’
She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians’
'Who said that?’ she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.’
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I’m gonna puke.’
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?’ Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George H. W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!’
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.’
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’ Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson (musician) to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.’
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we’re screwed!’ And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehman Brothers, September 15th, 2008’.
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Plan Ahea
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.”
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We’ve begun flairing jokes with link flair. We, the mods, have been discussing this for a while, and we’ve begun doing it. We’ve configured automoderator, as well as doing it by hand. The purpose of this is to flair some of our more common types of jokes, so people can filter out in RES for them, or if they like them, search for more of that type.
The flairs we currently have are:
“Dirty” - For any jokes that are dirty or possibly triggering to the SRS/Tumblr crowd, such as jokes about sex, racist jokes, Nazi jokes, etc
“long” - For any jokes that have a longer setup.
“Puns” - For clever wordplay
“Religion” - Jokes about any and all religions.
“Blonde” -The classic, jokes about Blondes
“Knock Knock” - Knock Knock jokes
“Politics” - for any jokes that have to do with current US politics, including the presidential primaries.
“Screwed on a lightbulb” - for jokes about how many ___ it takes to screw on a lightbulb
“walked into the bar” - For the classic “walked into a bar” jokes.
The rationale behind this was so that people can filter out joke types they don’t like in RES, so if you get easily TRIGGERED, by dirty jokes, you can choose to hide those, or if you despise puns, you can hide those.
Conversely, you can also search by flair! So, if you have a hankering for more jokes with a longer setup, you can just click on the flair text of “Long” on any post marked as such, and it’ll take you to s page that’s nothing but long jokes.
If your post gets a flair, but the flair is inaccurate or shouldn’t be there, please modmail us!
Please give any constructive feedback in modmail or as a reply to this thread!
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30 - One to hold the light bulb and 29 to drink until the room spins.
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And checks his clock.
“1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife’s going to ripp my balls off” - Thinks to himself.
But as he’s trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.
“I’m just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up”
So he asks the barman for a coffe, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder.
At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out.
The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him:
-So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?
The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool:
-Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn’t drink much… just a couple of beers.
The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds:
-The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair’s there, you dumbfuck.
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Useless sign
While attending the World Beer Conference, the CEOs of Anhueser-Busch, Coors, and Guiness went out to eat together. When the waitress asked them what they would like to drink, the CEO of Anhueser-Busch replied, “Get me a Budweiser, the king of beers!” Not to be outdone, the Coors CEO told her, “I want a Coors. It’s as refreshing as a Rocky Mountain spring!” The waitress turned to the Guiness CEO, who ordered a Diet Coke. Surprised, his companions asked why he hadn’t ordered a Guiness. Smiling, he told them, “I figured if you fellows weren’t going to have a beer, I shouldn’t either.”
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Seamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of Bushmills and three pints of Guinness.
“Rough day, friend?” the bartender asks as he pours the drinks.
“Nah - it’s for me brothers. The three of us used to drink together back home in Dublin when we were younger. Now Mick’s in London, Paddy’s in Australia, and I’m here in New York. We hardly ever see each other these days, but when we left home, we swore we’d drink like this in honor of the times we was together.”
Seamus returns every Friday night, always ordering the same thing. The lone Irishman with three shots and three pints becomes a familiar sight to the other patrons.
Then, one Friday night, Seamus comes in looking downcast. He walks up to the bartender and orders two shots and two pints. A stunned silence falls over the regular patrons.
“Oh, Seamus. I’m so sorry for your loss,” says the bartender. “Which brother did you lose? Mick or Paddy?”
“Oh, no! Me brothers are fine!” says Seamus. “It’s just that me wife’s made me quit drinking!”
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A man walks into a bar, and as men do at bars he orders a beer. And soon it turns into several beers. And as men do after several beers this man is gets rather drunk and needs to piss. So he walks into the bathroom and uses one of the urinals. He looks down to the urinal next to him and sees a short man in a green suit taking a piss. This little guy has the absolutely largest dick that the man has ever seen. The man is absolutely shocked.
In this man’s drunken stupor he blurts out, “Oy, that is one fucking big cock ya got there!”
The little man in the green suit looks up and says, “Well of course I do, all leprechauns do!”
The man is even more shocked now, “Wait you’re a fuckin’ leprechaun?!”
Slowly the man tries to process this and suddenly grabs the leprechaun and says, “Well, now you need to give me your pot of gold!”
The little man looks up sadly and responds, “Well, you see, in this economy we leprechauns don’t have pots of gold anymore. We decided it would be easier to grant a wish to the people who catch us, but there is a catch. If you want the wish you need to let me fuck you in the ass.”
The man thinks for a second and agrees. The idea of getting anything he wants is just too tempting despite the massive size of the leprechaun’s cock.
So they move to a stall, the little man jumps up on the toilet, and they start fucking. The little guy really starts giving it to him.
After about 15 minutes the man is really starting to regret his decision. Then the little man asks, “What’s your name, friend?”
The man is barely able to talk while getting fucked in the ass like this, but he just manages to get out, “My name is Dave.”
“Oh by the way, how old are ye, Dave?”
“35”
“Wow 35 years old and you still be believe in leprechauns!!!”
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A fly lands on the edge of the Englishman’s pint. He says to the bartender, “This beer’s gone bad, I’d like another.”
The fly lands in the Scotsman’s pint. He pulls it out and tosses it on the bar. “Tis just a fly, it didnae hurt anybody,” he says and takes a big gulp.
The fly then lands in the Irishman’s pint. He pulls the fly out squeezes the fly and shakes it, and says, “Spit it out, ya greedy bastard!”
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Rabbit Hash!
PULL UP!!!
A lion and lioness are sitting in their den, when a monkey climbs up a nearby tree and starts insulting the mighty lion.
The lioness starts to get angry and says, “King of the jungle, how dare you allow this puny monkey to insult you? You must punish him.”
“You are right, but you know what? I am king of the jungle and I must not lower myself to his level. Let’s ignore it.”
The lioness, astonished, sat in silence. Yet the monkey kept on. After sometime, the lioness looses her patience.
“I cannot allow this any longer. I’m going to teach that monkey a lesson.”
So the lioness chases after the monkey. After a long chase she finds herself out of the jungle and at a construction site. She sees the monkey going through a narrow pipe and leaps in after him. The pipe apparently was not large enough, and the lioness gets stuck.
Seeing that the lioness is stuck, the monkey walks around behind her.
“Who’s a bad girl? Who’s a bad girl?!!” he yells as he screws her from behind, over and over again. The monkey has his way and then finally leaves with a big smile on his face.
After an hour long struggle, the lioness finally frees herself from the pipe. Injured, and completely embarrassed, she returns home to the jungle and to her king.
“So how did the hunt go?” the lion curiously asked.
The lioness couldn’t even look at him.
“Aaahhh, he took you to the construction site didn’t he?”
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He wants to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When he goes to get it done, he finds out that it has to be hard.
As a result, his flaccid penis just says WY.
On their honey moon in jamaica, this man finds himself in the bathroom at a bar next to the local bartender. Rather drunk, he accidentally looks over and sees that thr bartender has a tattoo on his penis that also says WY.
He says, “hey, is your wife named Wendy too?”
The bartender say, “Nah mon, it says welcome to Jamaica, enjoy your stay”
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A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
“Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
You talk?“ he asks.
"Yep,” the Lab replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.” “But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars.”
The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that shit.”
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“Only” - if you know what I mean
The bartender says, “Wow! That is really cool! Where did you get it?”
“Africa”, says the parrot.
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A man drives by a police camera and it flashes. Relatively sure that he was not speeding, he goes around and drives by the camera again, this time keeping an eye on his speed and going 10 mph under the limit and it still flashes.
Surprised, he goes around and drives by a 3rd time, this time going even slower while looking at the camera. As he passes by, it flashes a 3rd time.
Finding it hilarious, he goes around a 4th time, this time he goes at a crawling speed while making faces at the camera and indeed it flashes. He laughs his ass off and goes home, eager to tell his story to his wife.
2 weeks later he receives 4 infringements for not wearing his seat belt.
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He says to the priest: “Forgive me father for I have committed adultery… I think.”
“What do you mean you think? You’re not sure if you’ve committed adultery?” Inquired the priest.
“Well father. I was with a woman and things were about to get nasty. I THOUGHT about putting it in but never actually put it in. And so I decided to leave.”
“Of course that’s adultery!” Replied the priest. “THINKING about putting it in is the SAME as putting it in. Now for penance I want you to pray 10 Our Fathers and leave $50 in the donation box.”
So the man leaves the confessional and says his prayers. Then he approaches the donation box for a moment and begins to leave, but the priest runs over and stops him.
“My son! I saw that you prayed your penance but you haven’t made your donation!”
The man replied, “Well Father, I thought real hard about putting it in!”
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First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor began the lecture by telling them: “In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.
“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,
“The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”
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These days, if someone owns a sword, it’s a pretty safe bet you can kick their ass.
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One day, the class is learning addition. Billy quickly masters it, but Jamal has difficulty doing 2+2. Jamal goes home and asks his mom: “Mom, why is Billy so much better at addition than me?” His mom responds “It’s because he’s white and you’re black.” The next day, the class is learning the alphabet. Billy is able to recite the whole thing but Jamal can’t get past the letter E. Jamal goes home and asks his mom: “Mom, why is Billy so much better with the alphabet than me?” His mom responds “It’s because he’s white and you’re black.” The next day, Jamal and Billy are in the bathroom and Jamal notices that Billy’s penis is smaller than his. Jamal goes home and asks his mom “Mom, why is Billy’s penis so much smaller than mine? Is it because he’s white and I’m black?” His mom responds “No, Jamal, it’s because he’s six and you’re eighteen.”
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Just say it out loud.
Refer Madness movie poster - late 1930s.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
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While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had Another 33 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?” God replied, “I didn’t recognize you!”
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In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’re a big disappointment to me.. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you..”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, - “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent’s lawyer)?”
She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He’s lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. ..Yes I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:
“If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to jail for contempt of court !
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Police Officer: “How high are you?”
Pothead: “No officer, it’s "Hi, How are you?”
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His parents were not religious but after a friend’s suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
“When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!”
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“Sir, we are mining too many useless ores”
[Hitler rubs chin]
“So mine less”
[Grammar Nazi bursts through the door]
“MINE FEWER!”
[Hitler looks up]
“Yes?”
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A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:
-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?
-I’ve had 8 drinks, officer.
-That’s no excuse to let your wife drive…
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I’m confused. Do you want customers or not?
One guy said, “18.”
A French guy in the back yelled, “119!”
Another guy said, “12.”
The French guy piped up again, “119!”
A sweet girl in the front said, “I know only one…the lips!”
The French guy shouted, “120!”
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I love me a nice cold smootie
In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.
He asks the Angel “What are all these clocks for?”
Angel answers “These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once.”
The man points towards a clock and asks, “Who’s clock does this belong to?”
Angel answers ‘This clock belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved, so she has never told a lie.“
then the man asks "Where is Hillary Clintons clock?”
The Angel replies “That one is in our office, we use it as a table fan.”
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And I suddenly develop it into an addiction to sex, does that mean my addiction is getting out of hand?
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… he says, “Doctor, was I brought here to die?” The doctor replies, “No, you were brought here yester-die”
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So he asks him, “you shearing?” The other answers “nope, gonna fuck ‘em both m'self.”
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I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.
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He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”. “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him, “BUT, they are sperm samples???”. “DO IT!”. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey - its not that hard.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1QT0xiF
Look out, ready to pop…
I support killing babies, but I don’t support giving women a choice.
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Cinderella was now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now-dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: “The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!”
The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned - and Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
Then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.” With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young, muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered….
“Bet you’re sorry now that you cut my nuts off!”
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David and Michael were going on a safari where they got lost and their car stopped working, they started wondering throughout the desert. With food and water supply almost ending and no reception anywhere they were desperately looking for help. After a very long time in the heat of the desert and almost dying from thirst they finally see a mosque far away. They start discussing among each other. David: I’ll pretend my name is Mohammed so they will give me food and water! Michael: I don’t care I won’t change my name for food! As they go to the mosque, the Muslims rush to their aid. David says he’s Mohammed and Michael says he’s Michael. So the Muslims get water and food fast for Michael and as David was waiting for his turn the Muslims turn around for him and say… “You know it’s Ramadan, right?”!
via reddit http://ift.tt/1QSi4aL
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.” The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.” Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.” As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1nHQkKc
… and he’s wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There’s no charge.’
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,’ she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,’ the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’
'So I just switched the heads.’
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Really? Absolutely?
Came across this while hiking today
Apparently it’s against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they’ve been dead for over 70 years.
via reddit http://ift.tt/1QWp42S
one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn’t. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
“What happened to you?,” asked Hillary .
“Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me.”
“What did you tell them?” asked Hillary.
The driver replied, “I just stepped inside the door and said, ‘I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver and I’ve just killed the old cow.’ The rest happened so fast I couldn’t stop it.”
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because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.
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Because after leaving a conversation, I always hear someone mumble “what an ass.”
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Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
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He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies,“I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman responds, “A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?”
The cowboy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
She asks, “What"s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles, “Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”
via reddit http://ift.tt/1pE0Qnk
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.. They said, “Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, ‘Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Fred’s turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man’s man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it.. They said, “Man, what happened?”
He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.”
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Bubba’s
Restroom !
So as some people know, there’s a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One night, 2 guys were drinking and one guy says, “hey did you guys know that one of the reasons this building has such interesting design is that they made it so when people jump out of windows, the wind holds them from falling too fast and they just float to the ground, unhurt?”
The 2nd guy say, “No way, prove it!” So he jumps out the window! A few minutes later the elevator dings and out walks the guy.
“See! It works!”
So, the 2nd drunk guy goes over, jumps out and falls to his death.
The bartender speaks up, “Superman, you sure are an asshole when you’re drunk!”
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Snip snap, snip snap, snip snap!
But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I realized I had hit rock bottom.
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The Wildlife
“Look at that dumb fuck, Daddy,” said my 3-year-old from his car seat.
“Where?” I asked. There were quite a few around us, he could have been talking about any of them.
“The white one,” he continued.
That narrowed it down. There was only one that fit that description.
“That dumb fuck is dirty,” he said. “Why is that dumb fuck so dirty?”
It was a good question, a question a child might ask, but not a childish question.
“Some are dirtier than others,” I replied. “It comes with the territory.”
We were sitting outside Starbucks waiting for my wife. We were passing the time the way men do, talking about our feelings and cursing a little - some of us more than others.
“Do you like dumb fucks, Daddy?” he asked. It had an added air of the rhetorical.
“I don’t like being too close to them,” I answered. “They are pretty fun to watch, though.”
My wife returned with our coffee and took a seat in the car.
“Mommy, did you see all the dumb fucks?”
I knew that she had.
“Honey,” she said with a straight face. “They’re called dump trucks.”
“Dumb fucks,” he repeated.
“Exactly,” I told him, and we sipped our coffee as he watched the last one rumble past.
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A father sends his kid to bed. Five minutes later, the boy screams, “Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?”
The dad says, “No. You had your chance.”
A minute later the boy screams, “Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?”
The dad says, “No. You had your chance. Next time you ask, I’ll come up there and spank you.”
“Dad! When you come up to spank me, can you bring me a glass or water?”
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Prevent Theft !
…because his success has hinged upon high voter turnout.
HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Fuck, I need to sleep…
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so I said no problem give me your number I will call you when I leave home
She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “HOLD ON!”
Then her friend said, “She means ….666-3629.”
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he’s really upset because he was recently fired.
So the bartender walks up and says “So what happened, how'dya get fired”
The guy looks up and he says:
“well you see, I was a pilot for the airforce, I was flying for over 13 hours and I started to get horny. So naturally I started masturbating.”
“Okay…” says the bartender.
“So I’m masturbating and I don’t even realize it but I become inverted and before I knew it I was busting my nut all over my helmet and facemask.” The pilot says.
The bartender is stunned and looks disgusted.
The pilot sighs and says “I guess I could’ve just said it was a dishonourable discharge”
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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. “Can I help you?” she asks. “I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” “Yes,” she purrs. “I am.” The man replies, “Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.”
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Hmmm
MTA Knows Whats Hot
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, “Si, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American said, “I will have the same please.”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow morning and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”
The following day the American returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins.”
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I shouted, “My money’s on the one with the knife!”
You should have seen how fucking fast they both ran off.
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They said that couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling.
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“Nervous?” asked the interviewer
I replied, “No, I always give 110%”
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation.” Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?” The bank manager looks back at her and says… “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
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Who owns what here?
He arrives at the press conference, accepts his giant check and teary eyed with joy proceeds to take questions from the media storm. First reporter asks “What is your full name?” He replies his name is Ira Mandelbaum. Second reporter asks “What are you going to do now?” Ira replies “First, I am going to buy all of my children their own homes. Next, I am going to buy myself a nice car. Then I am going to set-up college funds for my grandchildren. After all the I am going to build a huge statue of Hitler in my front yard.” The reporters all get quiet until someone finally says “Sir, you just said you wanted to build a tribute to Hitler, why on earth after all he had done to our people would you do this?” Ira pauses, looks him in the eye, rolls up his sleeve and says “Simple, he gave me the numbers.”
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At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and crash into oncoming traffic. It’s a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims…
“Oh the Humanities!”
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Because if he wins, he’ll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
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