A husband are his wife are lying in bed, reminiscing about their love life.
The woman asks: “What did you think of my body the day you first saw me naked, 30 years ago?”
“I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry”
“And what do you think of my body now?” Uttered the woman as she removed her robe.
“I think i did a pretty good job”
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, “Yum! I smell maple syrup!”
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says “Yum! I smell honey!”
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can’t because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, “Geez, all I can smell is … . .
molasses.”
Ain’t stoppin’ here…
We were on the 12th hole and I hit my tee shot a bit to the left. When we got to my ball there was a big 40ft tree right in my way and I was just going to hit around it when my grandpa chimed in:
“Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that tree”
Well not to be outdone my ego took over and I grabbed my 9 iron to hit it right over that tree. I took my shot and THWACK the ball hit dead center of the tree and bounced back 30 yards behind me. That’s when he chimes in again:
“Of course when I was your age that tree was only 2 feet tall!”
And his friend was in the neighbourhood and decided to go in to say hello. After a brief hello and small talk, the shop owner asks his friend if he’ll look after the store for 10-15 minutes, while he goes to the bank before it closes. The friend agrees and away he goes.
After 5 minutes, a woman walks in asking about one of the small vibrators on the wall behind him.
“Oh that white one? $25”
She agrees and pays him. After about another 5 minutes, another woman comes in asking about one of the dildos on the shelf.
“That big black one? Well it’s kinda pricey, but $60 if you’re interested.”
She pays him as goes off on her way.
Just before the shop owner returns, another woman enters the store, but looks awfully nervous, as if she doesn’t know what she wants, but quickly goes up to the front desk.
“How much for that one on the shelf, the big plaid one?” she asks timidly.
“Well that one’s a limited edition, pretty much the only one in the store. It’s quite pricey, I’m not sure if it’s in your price range…$250.”
She quickly thinks it over and says, “what the hell, you only live once! I’ll buy it.” He bags it up, and as she’s exiting the shop, the owner returns.
“Hey thanks again for helping me out.” He shakes his hand in gratitude.
“My pleasure,” the friend replies.
“Did you manage to sell anything while I was away?” he asks.
“Absolutely. I sold one of your white vibrators for $25” the friend says proudly.
“Great! I sell them for $15.”
Then the friend continues, “I sold the big black dildo for $60.”
“That’s incredible! I charge only $40 for it,” the shop owner beams.
“You kidding? That’s nothing! I sold your thermos for $250!”
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over. ‘To check my Sister’s wedding- invitations’ she said.
She was alone when I arrived, she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me and she couldn’t overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said “Before you commit your life to my sister”. Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom” she said. “If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me”.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'My Son, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son.’
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.
“Charlie Smith,” someone shouted,” “is that you?”
“Yes, it is,” came the reply. “Who are you?”
“We’re from the Red Cross.”
“I gave at the office!” Charlie shouted back.
She looks around and finds the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a salesperson doesn’t pop up right now.
As she turns back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. “Good day Miss, how may we help you today?”
Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, how much does this rug costs?”
He answers, “Lady, if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna shit your pants when you hear what the price is!”
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”
Beaver County, Pennsylvania
On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie’s feet was hurting real bad. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say ‘God, that was tight.’ 'There,’ whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.’ Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.’ Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.’ 'That’s my boy,’ said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.
One day sick of hiding in the closet the two boys decide to come out to their father. They sit their 67 year old father into his favourite lazy boy and bring him his pipe.
The dad amicably addresses his sons. “Well, what do you want, boys?” The first son brings sits down after seeing he’s in a good mood and starts. “Dad… I’m gay. My friend and I have been dating for eight months. I want your blessing.”
The Dad smiles taking a drag out of his pipe. “Kid, I’ve known you were gay since you were four. What’s best is you accept yourself and I’m glad you’ve gained the confidence to…”
The second son relieved decides to come out of the closet as well. “D, dad. I’m a brony. I want to be with Princess Celestia and one day I…”
The father sighs and interrupts his second son.
“Can’t you just like dicks like your brother? Why do you have to be such a faggot, boy?”
Mexican food ‘n Trump
About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, ‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’
He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.’
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, “I’m Jesus Christ.” The first priest says, “No, son, you’re not.” So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk says, “Look, I can prove it.” He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?”
Some teachers from an engineering school were invited to a trip. After they were all comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by their students. They got up and ran desperately to the outside of the plane, almost panicking. Only one teacher remained calm and seated at his spot. When the other teachers asked why he was so calm he said: “I know the capacity of my students, if they built it, I’m sure this bloody thing won’t even start”
A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.
You’ve been warned
The head greenkeeper of St Andrews golf course was out inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.
‘Haw’, he shouted, 'Ye shouldnae drink that watter, it’s got coo’s pish in it!’
The golfer looked up and replied, 'I’m sorry old chap, I’m English and I’m afraid I couldn’t understand a word you were saying’
The greenkeeper shouted back, 'I said, use both hands, you’ll get more in!’
Hi John,
This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that’s no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won’t happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I’ll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
The Actions:
John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.
The Second Message:
Hi John,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to “Wife”. Technology eh?? Hope you got a chuckle from that.
Regards, Alan.
Trump SupportHer in the local newspaper.
On each hand, she has a child. The clerk asks the woman: “Are those twins?” “No,” the woman says, “They´re three years apart. Why? Do you think they look alike?” The clerk says: “No, I just can´t believe you got laid twice.”
Inspector says “These are the best qualifications I’ve ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit.”
The guy replies: “If I say ‘why the rabbit?’ I will get the job, am I right?”
The inspector, baffled, asks: “How did you know that?!”
The guy replies: “Because I read this shit every fucking day in /r/jokes”.
Aberdeen mouse says: “I go up tae mousetraps, rip the cheese oot & and as the bar comes down i benchpress it 30 times & throw it across the room!” Edinburgh mouse says: I get rat poison, crush it intae powder & snort it!“ Glasgow mouse finishes his beer, gets up and walks to the door.. "where u goin?” asked the other two, “hame tae shag the cat”
A man and a woman meet at a singles’ bar, and they quickly hit it off and decide to go back to her place. They immediately head for the bedroom.
Once in the bedroom, the man notices something peculiar: on the wall are three shelves full of stuffed animals: huge ones on the top shelf, regular-size ones on the middle shelf, and small ones on the bottom shelf. He doesn’t have time to pay attention to them, of course.
After they have sex, the man says to the woman, “So, how was it?”
The woman thinks for a while and responds, “Eh, take one from the bottom shelf.”
Most times you get an onion with a tail. But every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.
Inspector says “These are the best qualifications I’ve ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit.”
Guy replies “Why the rabbit?”
Inspector says “Fantastic attitude, you’ve got the job!”
A professor at a local community college is known for telling a dirty joke to start every class. Of course, the ladies in his classes don’t appreciate it and a lot of them get together one weekend and decide to stage a walkout next time it happens. The professor catches wind of this plan.
Monday morning rolls around and the professor stands up in front of the class. He starts “Have you heard there’s a shortage of whores in India?” The ladies stand up to walk out. “Hold on, girls” he says, “the boat’s not leaving yet!”
He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: “This is an amazing octopus. I’ll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it.”
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
“Can’t you play the bagpipes?” asked the man. “Play it?” said the octopus, “I’m gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”
A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried towards ‘the object’ only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban fighter asked, “Do you have water?!!?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban fighter shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! “
“Okay” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom”.
Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
"Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie”.
A brutally ugly woman approached me at the bar, squeezed my ass and said, “Give me your number, you sexy hunk.” I said, “Have you got a pen?” She smiled and said, “Sure do!” I replied, “You’d better get back in it before your farmer notices you’re missing!”
No Photo’s of Cheese! [X-Post from r/firstworldanarchists]
Vindictive construction workers
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?”
“Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.”
“What are the three tests?” asks the man
“Gotta pay first.”
So the guy gives him the $10, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
“OK, here’s what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila – the WHOLE thing at once – and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.”
“Well, I know I’ve paid my $10,” says the man, “but I’m not an idiot. No wonder you’ve collected so much money – that’s impossible!”
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
“Wherez zat teeqeelah?” he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside – barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
“NOW,” he says, “wherez at ol’ lady with the sore tooth?”
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.”
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her. The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”’ The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.”
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. “Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks’ he said. ‘I had to strangle that bitch to death.”
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.
The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.”
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
“Oh, God!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!”
The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex.
Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
“Ha, ha! I’m the man from the bus!”
“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat Mate.
“Hey, bitch,” says the parrot, “bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!”
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot Pipes up again, “Goddammit, you lazy whore, where’s my whiskey? Hurry it up!”
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot’s drink.
Impressed with the parrot’s technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
“Hey, slut,” says the man, “get me a dry martini. And don’t drag your sorry ass, I want it right Now!”
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, “Ya know, for someone who can’t fly, you got a lotta balls.”
“Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up”.
Sure, they said, you’re welcome.
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
“What do you do for a living?”
I’m a hit man,“ was the reply.
"You’re joking!” was the response.
"No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. “Here are my tools.”
That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here”.
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
“Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom”.
“Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked!! Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her……He’s naked, too!!! The bitch!”
He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?“
"I’ll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”
“Can you do two for me now?”
“Sure, what do you want?”
“First, shoot my wife; she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he’s supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Are you gonna do it or not?“ asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient,” said the hit man calmly … . . “I think I can save ya a grand here.”
And look both ways…
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell!
Satan: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don’t worry about getting a hangover because you’re dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow… that’s awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Well on Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt… you’re dead anyhow. Do you do drugs??
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…
Satan: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: No…
Satan: Ooooh You’re gonna hate Fridays.
A pianist responds to an ad for a Piano Player wanted at a swanky bar. The manager interviewing him asks the pianist to play something.
The pianist plays and sings, and it’s beautiful. The manager is really impressed. The pianist admits that he wrote and composed it himself. The manager asks what the song is called and the pianist replies, “Fuck you and your mother, you shit eating whore”.
Clearly upset by the title of the song, the manager attempts to regain his composure and asks the pianist, “um, do you know any other songs?”
The pianist starts right in on the most beautiful piece the manager had ever heard, and by the time the pianist finished, the manager had tears in his eyes.
Afraid to ask, the manager asked what that one was called. The pianist said it was one of the first songs he ever wrote, and it was called “Suck my hairy white ass, you commie fuck!”
Clearly impressed with the skill of the pianist but fearful for the effect the song titles might have on his business the manager makes a deal with the player.
“I will hire you, and pay you with $100 bar tab per night and 5% of the door, but you’re not allowed to tell anyone what your songs are called.”
The pianist agrees, just happy to have a gig.
So he’s playing the first night, really enjoying himself, drinking for free and all of the patrons are enjoying the music as well. At some point, very drunk, the pianist needs to go relieve himself so takes a break from playing.
When he returns from the bathroom, a beautiful woman approaches him and quietly asks him, “Do you know your dick is out and everyone can see it?”
The piano player’s eyes get wide, and he excitedly replies, “Know it!? I fucking wrote it!”
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
About one hour later Hillary sees her driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
”What happened to you?” asked Hillary.
”Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
”My God, what did you tell them?” asks Clinton.
The driver replies, ”I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig!”
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.” “You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!” “Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”
Because you are sodium SeXe.
Edit: I have yet to zinc of another chemistry joke.
The desk clerk says, “Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?” The photon says, “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”
Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.
“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”
Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murders on his hands, John let’s Jeff go free.
A few months later after a policy enquiry John is called into court for murder. As he walks in he sees Jeff in the witness stand and looks at the Judge.
“Fuck” he whispers to his lawyer.
“What’s wrong?” the lawyer asks
“I made that witness promise he wouldn’t tell a soul about what he saw.
“So what’s the problem?” the lawyer asks again
“The judge is a fucking ginger.”
They stole everything except my deodorant, shampoo and hand soap.
Dirty bastards
An Englishman and a Scotsman are neighbours. The Scotsman has a hen which lays a beautiful egg every morning for him to eat on the porch. Every morning the Englishman watches how the Scotsman eats up his delicious-looking egg and starts getting envious. One morning, he gets lucky and the hen walks into his yard before laying the egg. The Scotsman sees him picking up the egg and says: “What are you doing with my egg?” The Englishman replies “It’s in my yard, so it’s mine!” The Scotsman says: “But the hen that laid it belongs to me! Look mate, I can see we’re never going to get to the end of this. How about we deal this in the traditional Scottish way?” “How?”, asks the Englishman. “It’s simple, really. First, I’ll kick you in the balls as hard as I can, and when you can pick yourself up, you return the favour. The man who picks himself up in the least amount of time gets the egg.” The Englishman agrees to the deal. The Scotsman gets his heaviest steel-capped boots and swings with the power of a young David Beckham and hits between the Englishman’s legs. The Englishman rolls on the ground in agony for 31 minutes and 20 seconds before he finally manages to get up and says: “Alright, now it’s my turn.” He gets his own heavy boots, and as prepares he prepares to swing, the Scotsman stops him at the last moment. “You know what? I think I’ll just have cereal for breakfast today.”
An Englishman and a Scotsman are neighbours. The Scotsman has a hen which lays a beautiful egg every morning for him to eat on the porch. Every morning the Englishman watches how the Scotsman eats up his delicious-looking egg and starts getting envious. One morning, he gets lucky and the hen walks into his yard before laying the egg. The Scotsman sees him picking up the egg and says: “What are you doing with my egg?” The Englishman replies “It’s in my yard, so it’s mine!” The Scotsman says: “But the hen that laid it belongs to me! Look mate, I can see we’re never going to get to the end of this. How about we deal this in the traditional Scottish way?” “How?”, asks the Englishman. “It’s simple, really. First, I’ll kick you in the balls as hard as I can, and when you can pick yourself up, you return the favour. The man who picks himself up in the least amount of time gets the egg.” The Englishman agrees to the deal. The Scotsman gets his heaviest steel-capped boots and swings with the power of a young David Beckham and hits between the Englishman’s legs. The Englishman rolls on the ground in agony for 31 minutes and 20 seconds before he finally manages to get up and says: “Alright, now it’s my turn.” He gets his own heavy boots, and as prepares he prepares to swing, the Scotsman stops him at the last moment. “You know what? I think I’ll just have cereal for breakfast today.”
“How bad will this winter be?” He asked.
“It is good to be prepared. Get some firewood ready” replied the chief.
The chief then called his friend in the national weather service to ask him. “ How bad will this winter be?”
The meteorologist said “this will be a pretty cold winter”
The chief then told his people what the meteorologist said. A few weeks later the chief called to ask again, just to be sure.
“Well,” said the meteorologist, “its gonna be worse than we thought this year.”
Again the chief relayed this to his people and told them to put out more firewood.
Right before the winter came, the chief called the meteorologist once more to ask, “how bad will this winter be?”
The meteorologist said “it’s gonna be worse than we thought”
The chief thanked the meteorologist and asked him “how do you get such accurate information?”
“Well, we have teams of scientists that study patterns to predict what the weather will be like. But we found that the most reliable method is to just look at how much firewood the native Americans put out”
Screw your dissertation, I just want to out the friggin door…
Meanwhile in Florida, the alligators have developed sign making skills.
“Too much information” Male Toilet Sign
Escalator Safety Sign in Japan
The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.
The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost everyone in this twisted family has a history of domestic violence. Not wanting to subject the poor boy to a life of physical punishment, the court decided to take a recess to brainstorm what to do with the son. The court eventually comes to a historic and unprecedented conclusion:
The boy would be in custody of the England national football team because they’re incapable of beating anyone.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar…
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.
There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said “Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.” Then Mike said “No way, I won’t say I’m Muslim, I’m gonna be honest”.
So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.
John thought of a Muslim name and said, ‘My name is Muhammad’. And Mike said 'My name is Mike’.
The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.’ And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.
Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)
Roses are red.
Violets are….red
Tulips are red
My garden is on fire.
The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.” “Yeah that’s the one”
One has a golden retriever the other a Chihuahua. As they are going along the one with the retriever sees a bar. He turns to his friend and suggests they go in for a quick drink. His friend says “That would be great but see the sign, no dogs allowed”. The guy turns to him and says “Don’t worry, just do what I do”. So the guy puts on some sunglasses and goes into the bar with his retriever. The tender turns to him and says “Hey! No dogs allowed”. The guy quickly retorts “Oh no, this is my seeing eye dog”. The bartender says ok and lets him sit.
His friend thinks about it and figures, why not. He puts on some sunglasses and walks in. The tender quickly turns and yells, “Hey! No dogs allowed in the bar!”
The friend quickly replies “No, you don’t understand. This is my seeing eye dog!”
The bartender replies skeptically “A Chihuahua is your seeing eye dog?”
“THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!”
…they planted the American Flag. After all these years the radiation from the Sun will have bleached it completely white, so now if Aliens find it they are going to think the French were there first.
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is,
“Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?”
The man replied “Oh that’s when I went to Yale.”
The employer is even more impressed. “That’s great, you’re hired!”
The man is super happy and says “Yay I got a yob!”
Highway sign on 93 south in Medford mass
I think I shall simply ignore the constabulary.
So a blind older gentleman stumbles into a all lesbian bar. They see he is older and blind so they let him stay and have a few drinks. The blind man ask’s the bartender “You want to hear a blonde joke?” The bartender replies “ Well, I am a blonde, the woman on your right is a defence instructor and she is blonde, and the two woman behind you are marines and they are blonde. Do you still want to tell your joke?” The blind man responds “Well not if I have to explain it four times”
It was mighty kind of them, but they misunderstood when I said “I wanna watch”
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I’m doing for YOU for FREE!” Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year.”
He meets St. Peter at the pearly gates, and St. Peter checks the list. St. Peter doesn’t find his name, so he says ‘sorry, looks like you are supposed to go to the other place’.
So the engineer then goes down to Hell. Soon, he starts seeing things that could be improved. He builds a central air conditioning unit to help control the heat. He starts installing a central sewage system.
God notices, and quickly calls Satan. He calls and says 'there’s been a mistake! The engineer is supposed to be up here with us!’
Satan replies: 'you know, we’re pretty happy with what the changes he had been making, I think we’ll keep him’
God gets mad and says 'you send him up here this minute or else I’ll sue you!’
Satan laughs and says, 'yeah, you and what lawyers?’
The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.
They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.
They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, “So? Did you talk?”
“How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?”
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie ” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities…
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“An ambulance just drove by!”
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike!”
“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”
“Jason is on his skate board!”
After a few moments he announced… “The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out…"How do you know they’re having sex?” “Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
So many bargains to be had
Now that I got this on the mail, I will stick some work done in some front porches
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. “Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset… She asked, “Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?” Helen: “There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you.” Wife: “Who said that?” Helen: “Your husband.” Wife: “Oh.” Helen: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.” Wife: “Who said that?” Helen: “Your husband.” Wife: “Oh.” Helen: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you.” Wife: “Did my husband say that as well?” Helen: “No, the gardener did.” Wife: “So, how much do you want?”
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”
Exit, um, huh?
As she is laying in the hospital bed, the nurse tells her of a new type of technology that allows a percentage of her pain to be passed to the father of the child. They both agree, so start on 10% to be transferred.
However, the husband says he can feel nothing, and is willing for it to be turned up, so it goes up to 20%.
Again, he says the pain is bearable and more or less non-existent, so it goes up to 50%.
Eventually, the pain transfer gets turned up to 100%, and the husband is coping very well, allowing his wife to have a pain free child birth. “This is so easy!” he says.
Eventually, a healthy, adorable baby is born, and they get to take it home. They drive the whole way back smiling. They pull into their driveway and go to the front door, only to find the postman, dead on the doorstep.
You know, that place in Ontario where you can turn two different directions! Serious! (One at a time.)
On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.
She asks, “What can I do to help America?”
Washington replies “Serve your country selflessly and always be honest”
Hillary laughs in his face
On her second day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
She asks, “What can I do to help America?”
Jefferson replies “Remember that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed, and that the individual is to have sovereignty over himself.”
Hillary laughs in his face
On her third day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
She asks, “What can I do to help America?”
Lincoln replies “Go to the theater.”
I saw this at a church festival yesterday, I couldn’t stop laughing
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he’s heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they’re going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.
So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two ‘dogs.’
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
“Which part did you get?”
“What should I pay you?” the monk asks. “No price, for a holy man such as yourself,” the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. “What shall I pay you, my son?” “No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself.” And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. “What do you want I should pay you?” “Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself.” And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis
with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She tearfully agreed, but asked how to let him know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange postcard today.” “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. “Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.”
Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, “That’s horrible… are they moving? The man responds, "I don’t know but that would explain the suitcase”
They had a pair of twins, named Ving and Ling, who were my age. I liked Ving, but his sister Ling was kind of a bitch. Eventually, Ling told me that he hated his name, and he wanted to change it. I asked him, “What do you want to change your name to?” and he said “Lee. You know, like Bruce Lee?” Ling overheard, and chimed in, saying that their father would disown him if he changed his name.
One day, Ving decided he had had enough. He went to town hall, with me in tow. His sister caught wind and decided to come along to talk him out of it.
So we got the name change document, and Ving filled it out and almost turned it in, when he suddenly got choked up and realized that he couldn’t go through with the name change. He told the receptionist that he wanted to cancel, and she told him that he could cancel the name change, but he’d need to pay a one-time fee of $20. Ving didn’t have any money on him, but his sister did. She was about to hand him $20 when suddenly, a short, elderly Chinese man in an American flag T-shirt, ray-bans and cargo shorts entered the building. Ving stared at him in awe.
“D..Dad?” he stammered, tearfully.
With a huge smile on his face, the man ran up and embraced his son.
I’ll never forget what his father said that day:
“Don’t stop, be Lee, Ving.
Hold on the that fee, Ling”
At a Wendy’s in Beaver, Utah
Hey, let’s roll a few…
The “lefties” left! Should I leave, too?
Well, which is it? Make up your mind!
I am not sure this is much of a political statement
It was a gouda effort (x-post r/funny) OC
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, “That’s odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.” So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said “That’s odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.”
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what’s going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians.“
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That’s odd … ”
Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovlong. Latervia. Byegium.. until EU reach the state of Germlonely.
…by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn’t really know where the heart is.
She goes to the local doctor and asks;
“Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?”
“Oh, it’s just below your left breast.”
So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.
Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium
Boy: “What, over in ten seconds?”
Girl: “No, eight black men and a gun.”
It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.
St. Peter greets him. “Nice to meet you! You should know we give you the choice of whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which one to pick?” the politician replies. “We let you spend a day in each, and then you may decide.” The politician agrees and is sent to the heavenly realm first.
The experience is okay. He mostly sits around on the clouds singing and playing the harp, and exchanging some pleasant conversation with the angels. He goes back to Peter the next day, and is sent to hell this time.
The elevator arrives at the bottom, and the doors open. He is in a beautiful garden, it’s sunny, and there is a nearby golf course. A bar in the pristine looking garden keeps the drinks flowing: beer, cocktails, wine, whiskey, whatever the heart could imagine. There is also a buffet. All his friends and family that have passed away are there, and they greet him cheerfully. Even Satan is there, and he ends up being a really nice and cool guy who assists the politician in whatever he can. After chatting with them for awhile, the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen comes to him, and they end up having the best sex he has ever experienced.
At the end of the day, the politician goes back to St. Peter. “I hope you enjoyed the tryouts sir. What do you choose, heaven or hell?” The politician replies “well Peter to be honest heaven is great and all, but I really enjoyed hell a lot more. I’d like to go there.”
His wish is granted. When the elevator doors open in hell, he is greeted by horror. The whole place is dark and gloomy, his friends are screaming as they are burning in pits of fire, and demons walk around beating with pitch forks those who try to escape the flames.
The politician walks up to Satan and demands an explanation. “Yesterday it was so nice! A garden, golf, beautiful women, free food and drinks. Yet today you are torturing my friends. What the heck man?” The devil (no longer friendly and cool as he was the day before) smiles slyly. “Sorry for the mixup. But you are a politician, so surely you understand: yesterday we were campaigning, but today you voted.”
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.
In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.
Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it’s effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, “If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!”
A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board - “Monkey who does great sex”. She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual. The Manual said “Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down without wearing anything. Leave the rest to the monkey. Repeat all steps for repeat performance”. Accordingly, the woman gave the monkey a bath, bathed herself and slept on the bed naked. Monkey did nothing. Disappointed, she again gave him a bath, had bath and lied down naked on the bed. Again, the monkey did nothing. She referred the Manual to check for forward path. It said : In case of no activity, call the shop owner for support. She called the owner & he arrived in 10 minutes. He asked the woman to lie down. He then looked at the monkey and shouted… “This is the last time I’m teaching you..!”
So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.
Are hats okay?
His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.
The husband replies, “ So I can use it to pay rent in heaven.”
A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, “ I knew he should have put it in the basement.”
Why this color?
Brutal
I hugged her tight, kissed her with passion and then slapped her because how dare she?!
The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the white house, and the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes 24 minutes. Trump goes next and posts a time of 14 minutes 24 seconds. Hillary Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can in an effort to beat Trumps time. She finally crosses the finish line in just under 10 minutes. “Aha, that must be some kind of record!” she exclaims.
“I don’t think so,” says Obama, “Bush did 9:11”
An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flightjacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, “are you a real pilot”?
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
“Are you a real pilot?”
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
She says hello and he’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
The man, matter-of-factly, replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: ‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?’
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.’ Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??’
His son replies, 'Oh THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I’m married!!’
A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night. The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.
When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can’t wait longer and start preparing the food.
The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: “ SUPPLIES ”.
A white man, black man, and a Mexican are stranded on an island. A Tribe finds them and the chief of the tribe says “alright, if you want to survive, go into the jungle and grab 10 fruit on one kind each.” So the men go into the jungle and bring back fruit. The Mexican comes back and has 10 apples. The chief then told him “alright, if you want to live, shove these up your ass and don’t show any emotion, if you show emotion I’ll kill you” the Mexican gets to the 2nd apple and cries in pain, so the tribe kills him. The white man brought back blackberries, and he did the same. When he got to the 9th black berry he saw the black man coming back with watermelons, but he didn’t react, and shoves them all up his ass. The chief exclaimed “NO ONE HAS EVER PASSED, can you tell me, how did you pass?” Then the white man says “well, you see, I’m subscribed to /r/jokes, and I see this joke EVERY FUCKING DAY”
… and the little boy asks, “Dad why are our penises different?”
The father replies, “Firstly, son, you don’t have an erection.”
Poorly cropped twitter cover.
God went to the Arabs and said: “I have Commandments that’ll make your lives better.”
The Arabs asked: “What are they, can you give us an example?”
God said: “Thou shall not kill.”
The Arab were shocked and refused Gods offering
So he went to the Mexicans and said: “I have commandments that’ll make your lives better.”
When asked for an example God said: “Thou shall not steal.”
The Mexicans were insulted and refused.
Lastly, God went to the Jews: “I have Co…”
Before he could finish the Jews blasted out: “HOW MUCH DO THEY COST??”
God replied: “Nothing, they’re free.”
The Jews answered: “Good, we shall take ten!”
The first one asks the second one: “If you found out the world was going to end in one hour’s time, what would you do?”
The second one replies “I’d fuck anything that moves. What about you?”
After a brief pause for thought, the first businessmen replies “I’d stay very, very still.”
Exit 6….no, 9….., maybe 2…
Well that seems excessive. But if I must…
These were in the same hallway, so I suspect that they grant admittance based on finger length.
Really, rather helpful
Got it!
Sadly all on the bus perished and are waiting in line at the pearly gates. St Peter approaches the first girl in line.
“Mary Margaret, I have one question for you, and it is of the utmost importance that you answer truthfully. Have you ever touched a penis?”
Mary blushed a little bit. “Well, yes, I have. I once reached into a boys pants and touched his penis with the tip of my finger. But that was all.”
“Very well Mary. Dip your finger into this holy water and then you may enter Heaven.”
St Peter then approaches the next girl in line.
“Anne Beth, have you ever touched a penis?”
“Yes, I once reached in a boys pants and grabbed his penis.”
“Very well,” said St Peter “Dip your hand in holy water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
At this point in time there is a commotion in the back of the line, as one of the girls is pushing her way up the line.
"Katherine Anne, you need to wait till it’s your turn.” St Peter strictly informed the girl.
“No, I’m not staying in the back of the line. There’s no way I’m rinsing my mouth out with that holy water if Karen has to wash her ass out with it first!”
… “go on” says the priest. “I swore the other day” says the man. “continue” says the priest. “I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway”. “and this is when you swore?” asked the priest. “No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough” continued the man. “this must have been when you swore?” the priest exclaimed. “No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it” continued the man. “Ahhh I see” says the priest “this must have been the point where you swore” “Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole” The priest pauses for a few seconds “you missed the fucking putt didn’t you?”
Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. “Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me.” he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. “Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What´s that about?” “Oh,” Satan says, “that´s for the Christians, they want it that way.”
“My friend is dead, what am I going to do?” the hunter desperately asks.
“Just take is easy, I will help you. First; you need to make sure that he really is dead.” the operator replies calmly.
“Ok, now what?”
I had a blind date last night. But I was concerned – What do I do if she’s really unattractive? I’ll be stuck with her all night.
Turns out, There’s an app for that.
It’s called “Mom Are You Ok”. It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.
If you like her, you ignore it.
If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”
It works every time.
So I knocked on the girl’s door. Turns out I needn’t have worried.
She was gorgeous!
I couldn’t get over how attractive she was!!
Just as I was about to speak to her, her phone rang!!!
She answered it and said, “Mom, what’s the matter? Are you okay?” !!!
Oh no, that’s not a good sign.
He says to the man “Hi, I’m Todd, your next door neighbor, nice to meet you. I just have one question for you, when is your birthday?” The neighbor asks “Why would you want to know that?” Todd replies “I want to buy you a pair of blinds for your window, because in the last week I’ve seen you having sex with your wife every night!”. The neighbor says “Well that’s awfully nice of you, when’s your birthday?” Todd says “Why would you want to know that for?” The neighbor says “ Because for your birthday I’m going to buy you some binoculars, that way you can see who’s wife it really is, because I’m not married…”
These Funny Road Signs Can Make You Laugh!
When suddenly she asks me: “Doesn’t it bother you that I’m 13??”
So I replied: “Not really, I’ve never been superstitious”
Every time she goes to a bar alone she gives me her wedding ring so I can think about her all night long.
“Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter, “it’s only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.”
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams “Oh my God,” says the old lady, “now what is happening?”
“Not to worry,” says St. Peter, “She’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo.”
“I can’t do this,” says the old lady, “I’m going to hell.”
“You can’t go there,” says St. Peter. “You’ll be raped and sodomized.”
“Maybe so,” says the old lady, “but I’ve already got the holes for that.
The shop keepers heart melts.
He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?”
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers … “I don’t wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc..
A girl climed a tree behind the church to pick fruits. While picking her fruits high above the tree a priest happens to walk by and sees the girl up above him and realized that the girl was not wearing any underwear. . He calls the girl down and tells her that it’s dangerous to climb tress and gives her $20 to buy a pair of underwear to cover herself up. The girl went home and informed her mother how she got the $20. The next day, the mother went to the back of the church without an underwear and climbed the tree and waited for the priest to show up. The priest walks by and sees the mother in all her glory … calls her down, and tells her that it’s dangerous to climb trees and gives her $3. The mother then asked the priest why is only getting $3? The priest replied that’s for you to by a disposable razor …
Go easy my first post.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.“
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.